" She hated when her thoughts went this way. Her stomach hurt and her heart beat faster than usual. Every breath felt tighter than the one before it. Because this was her very deep, dark secret - the thing no one knew about her.
Andi Ellison had doubts now. Her perfect faith in God was riddled with subtle cracks and shifts."
-Karen Kingsbury, Take One, p.54
I'm reading this Christian fiction book and the spiritual life of one of the characters is being described. Andi Ellison grew up on the mission fields of Indonesia and has always been known as a stalwart Christian. But her closest friend which she made since coming back to the States died and now she has doubts in God. The reason why I am mentioning this is because I find myself in this situation. I can relate to this character in so many ways it's not even funny. Now, I can't pinpoint one major event that has led me to these doubts. In fact, if I must be frank, these doubts have always been with me. But never have they been as strong as they are now.
Kingsbury uses the imagery of a snake shedding it's skin to describe Andi Ellison spiritual struggle.
"...like the faith that had clothed her all these years was dried up and old. Like it didn't fit anymore. She could almost feel herself making her way free of it, ready to move on with a sleek new exterior of her own design."
In Korea, I could imagine myself living a more glamorous life when I came back to the states. Yeah, I looked very Vogue. I pictured myself not attending church anymore for the romantic reason of getting closer to the Jesus and making sure I was saved on a personal level. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe there is anything wrong with that, but I know that if I stop attending church, it would not be to get closer to God. Of course, there is a part of me that really just wants to get closer to God. But there is another part of me that cannot stand setting up that false pretense of being right, and would rather just be real. Speaking of being real, this is how Kingsbury describes the struggle between the perceived image of the character and the character's true feelings:
" The feeling was one more thing she couldn't tell anyone. She was Andi Ellison, missionary kid, after all. Everyone expected her to be the perfect Christian, the girl with the unwavering faith. No one could have guessed how she was really feeling." p. 55
When, I read this, I thought about how I felt when I was telling my mother about my struggle. Not only did not understand my struggle but she saw me differently. Most importantly, I did not want my struggle to affect someone else's spiritual walk. I know Jesus is the right way. Just because I'm struggling does not mean you should be influenced to question. What you do to please God, I do not want to interfere with. But when you have influence, you have the capability to sway what others may perceive God to be. And I do not want to sway anyone else with my doubts. But what a hypocrite I am if I can't be real. It's so strange, this position I find myself in.
"When it came to matters of faith, the dialogue came so easily she might as well have been reading a script. No matter how she was feeling inside."p.60
I remember one time listening to a sermon by a friend. He mentioned that a lot of us try not to be Christians but we can't front because of little things that have a presence in our lives that give us away. Like the devotional on our bedside table or the nasty habit of saying grace before a meal. At the time, I remember thinking that's so true for myself in that my very thinking is influenced by Jesus, not because I want to be but just because it is. Maybe because of the age I was when I learned about Christianity (I was very young). Or maybe my personality is wired in some ways to adhere to Christian values. But there are certain things I won't/will do because of that strong Christian influence, no matter how much I doubt. Which is a little unfair because why do you automatically live by values that your heart doubts anyway?
Now, I must give Jesus credit, because he is worthy and his ways are just. I fully believe there is no way you can be saved if your heart is not fully believing and converted to Christ. I do not care how much your actions/words profess Christ. If the heart is not converted, there are actions/words that must be against Christ. Simply said, it would be unfair for God to save you based on your actions and the heart is not converted. There is no one perfect who does not have a converted heart and even then they're only perfect because Christ declares it so. So, Andi and I have a problem because our hearts and feelings do not correlate with our actions and words.
I'm going to continue reading with the intention of finding out how she deals with this problem. I have a feeling I already know the answer. Whatever it is, I can't stand feeling phony.
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