Discipline

     I realized a long time ago that I am not that glamorous chick, even at the age of 25. I actually look my age now and I'm still not devastatingly beautiful. Oh how I wish I was but I'm not. And even though I clearly desire this, there is a part of me that is more true to who I am that knows it would not be possible. This is not low self worth or anything like that. This is the part of me that detests putting work into maintaining the glamour. Not that I would have to do much to maintain. But I know that if I do what is necessary in order for me to be glamorous, I would pull my eye sockets out trying to keep that up. I rather spend an hour in the morning studying the word of God.than beating my face of fixing my hair. Clean and neat is all that is necessary and I can rarely get that right. How full of ego do you have to be to spend that much time on glamour? I don't know, I cannot discern it fully when I see that type of personality. You know the diva type. For one thing, people who are all glammed up are usually super friendly and yet you would assume they would be snotty. Unless they are snotty and their beauty blocks out the negatives of their personality. LOL. I believe that's possible. God has blessed many people with beauty beyond comprehension. All things are possible. What is really disappointing is when I put all that work in to glam up and it never comes out like I would want it. So I spent a good amount of my time glamming up my character. To be quite honest, I give up quite easily in that area, because like with my face and body, the results of failure are quite devastating. So I do what I want neglecting the necessity of character building and the desire to glamorize my physical body in order to participate in supposed liberty which in truth is anarchy. However it is possible that I have building a character trait that I have seen strong in me in my seed-like stages and I nurtured and cared for by fostering it. The trait is giving up when I fail. I gave up on being physically beautiful because I have failed at creating and maintaining  that glamour and yet it's something I want and admire in others. I give up on perfecting character because I failed to subdue my indulgences and desires and yet I want that certainty of salvation. Now I am giving up my supposed liberty because I'm sick and tired of the disorder my life has become. So today I am ordering myself a little.  I am in the Word and I'm cleaning my face. LOL! I want an end to this conflict, in which I will just stand firm no matter how devastating the failure. Oh how I fear failure.

Forgiveness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XzneB2njv0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSXSZOzj4co&feature=related

I've always heard that it's harder to forgive then to say I'm sorry. I'm always the one to say I'm sorry so I think that puts me in a good position to forgive since I know how it feels to not be forgiven. Don't get me wrong. Forgiveness is important, but I usually feel that the person asking for forgiveness is struggling the most. In my opinion, revenge is not as strong as remorse. 

However, I've had a chance in the pass few weeks to review my feelings about forgiveness. I usually put things out of my mind and forget about them. That's my forgiveness. But as I think over a lot of these situations in which I've had to forgive, I realize that I still react in ways in which in can be inferred that I have not forgiven. Case in point, earlier this year, I met someone who hurt me and I was preparing myself to forgive. But I ended up apologizing, thinking that it would not be as offensive to him if I claim that I have done the wrong. Although, I think there is something biblical about claiming that you have done the wrong, I'm not to sure if it was right for this situation. Anyway, I've noticed that I still hurt and the feelings are not remorse or revenge. The feeling is regret. 

While I'm thinking that forgiveness is  about not getting back at the person or not getting revenge, I'm still hurting even though there is no thoughts of revenge. Regret is stronger than revenge. When the fires of revenge have died down, you're left with the ashes of regret and that is hard to put out of your mind forever.  

 I've heard that forgiveness is to hold yourself accountable for the wrong instead of the person who did the wrong. Like God punishes Jesus for the wrongs of Humanity. God is holding himself accountable for what we have done. He forgives completely. Now, if I pardon people people for what they've done to me, remove them from any guilt and accusations,  hold myself accountable and then God forgives me, then I should be completely free. 

Maybe, really deep down inside I haven't really forgiven. Maybe I've just promised to try not to get back at people. Maybe in my heart, while I'm brushing it off my shoulders mentally, I still react in rage and sadness because the hurt is still there.  Sad story. Now I must change my mind. Forgiveness is harder and more incomprehensible than apologizing. I refuse to compare them again as lightly as I have in the past. Regret is stronger than revenge and it leads to remorse.