I want to go home

I find myself wanting complete and utter rest from the world from life. Just to be with God. No problem, right? Wrong. My mind still works like the world and could not possibly enjoy the realms of heaven. My personality is of the sort that seeks to please people, when I'm supposed to be standing firm for God. I will lie to appear better in the eyes of others. I will wait for opportunity instead of chasing it down. I shut my mouth in order to appear most pleasing to people. My mouth is actually very large but people would get the idea that I'm quiet. I'm indecisive and hypocritical. I depend on the mercy of others, because I find myself not following through. Difficult situations frazzle me and I worry, but if I stop worrying things do not get done. And when I'm dependent on the mercy of others, or when a seemingly impossible task is placed before me, I find a friend in depression. This does not make sense to many, I'm sure, but just know I am flawed deeply, even to the soul and I need God to change my very personality in order for me to stand for him. Oh wretched man that I am. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Happy Belated Birthday.

On October 18th, 1986, I came into a world I did not want to be born into but the doctor refused to allow me the benefit of more time in the unmovable womb of my mother, the womb that would not open any further to allow my large head to come forth. So I was ripped out with the precision of a scalpel, removed from the body of my unconscious mother, 9 pounds, 9 ounces. No arms to hold me with joy, but the cleansing of nurses and sterilized hospital materials. I think I cried but it's possible I was unconscious. Whisked away to a nursery, I waited for my welcome. My aunt and father stood side by side in front of the window to the nursery. Side by side, I lay next to a baby whose skin was many shades lighter. My aunt hoped I was my lighter friend and said the words out loud, not knowing that my darker father heard her and hated her for politicizing my birth.

Since that day, I've been compelled to do things I did not want to do, pushed to do things I feared. And then I was judged for what they wanted and expected, not for what I was or would be. So I do, always fearing I'll be judged. I serve to be chilled by criticism. I work waiting for the day I live free of the fear to be myself. I wait for the feeling of fearlessness but work, depending on the promise.


"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Rom. 8:1

My Selfish Gospel

"When men take themselves out of social life, away from the sphere of Christian duty and cross bearing; when they cease to work earnestly for the Master, who worked earnestly for them, they lose the subject matter of prayer and have no incentive to devotion. Their prayers become personal and selfish." Steps to Christ, p. 101

I was reading an interesting quote from Steps to Christ to my mother, and my brother walked in the room. As I read, he excused himself to go back to what he was doing downstairs. As he did this, I realized how selfish I was in not opening up the invitation for my brother to join us upstairs, as we studied. I asked my mother if she would invite Biko to join us. She says that the invitation is always open. I called Biko because conscience was bothering me. How?

Earlier this summer, I talked about witnessing to my aunt who lives in my home, by serving her in every way I can. And yet we haven't prayed in the family circle since I'm been back. My driving instructor probably has the wrong idea about me because I hide my religion. My friend was just talking to me this week about a group in her church who only likes to deal with spiritual people, and I agreed with her that they seemed exclusive and self righteous. 

But look at me! Am I any better? I want to study the Bible with teens who know some of the basics. But what about people who never entered the church and don't have idea about the eternal reality? This has brought me to the conclusion that I am selfish with my religion. Problem is if I really believed Jesus was coming soon, would I be so selfish? If the people of God have to reflect Christ (2 Peter 2:21-25) in order for them to have eternal life, shouldn't I be more like Jesus and spread his gospel? It's time to integrate!

So here I am up waiting for my brother to join me so we can study. I refuse to go to sleep until we finish. He said he will come up when he is ready. I believe that he does not enjoy the word of God because if I was his girlfriend, he'd already be up here. But in the urgency of the time, I think we should study God's word. 

"...what we have been years learning, they will have to learn in a few months..."

Let me know

I don't know if you noticed but I like your company but I want you to know that I feel that our relationship has taken an uncomfortable turn and I would like to know your intentions. Do not get me wrong. I like flattery and compliments but it feeds my pride and I want to be humble. So by entertaining you, will you or I be hurt in anyway? I can see how this can and is hurting me. But what about you? Are you knowingly or unknowingly hurting me? Are trying to build up self esteem? Are you enjoying creating this feeling of betrayal, appealing to my sensual nature? Are you in fact burdened by my presence to the point that you must mention something out loud? In the future, can we brush this over as if it never happened? I know this means nothing much to you but to me it can mean a lot more . So tell me the truth: are you the devil, or an intentional bystander? Now I don't know how to fix this so we could have one of those relationships that would better me in the way I need to be bettered but if you have any ideas, let me know .

On the Brink of Visions and Dreams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obIT-By1VOU

My co-worker was passing out Iced Tea, so that she could use the bottles for a ships-in-a-bottle idea she has for Columbus Day. You know the kind with natural caffeine in them (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffeine). Either way, I rejected her ice tea but told her I would definitely pass it on to my brothers. So she gave me one and I passed it on to my brother, who gladly accepted it. The reason I do not consume caffeine (that I know of), is because it stimulates the nervous system to alertness, which sound great for the drowsy. However, one has to disturb the natural reaction of the body to lack of sleep. And disturbing the bodies natural process is not something I really want to participate in. After telling her that I would not drink the ice tea, I went out and bought junk food. Can you say contradiction? Now these are things that I know to be unhealthy for me. Sweets and salts. But I bargained with myself, saying that it was healthier junk food then most.  But then I realized that I would have to let that go at some point, the buying of junk food.

Recently, it's becoming clearer to me that what God wants from me is not acceptable in the eyes of the world or even favorable to me.  I was talking to my co worker today on the train ride home about how much we neglect certain spiritual insights because they may require too much change. She smiled and talked about how people back in the day, prophets of old and modern day movements were always praying. All day. All night. People did not just start having visions and prophesying. It was based on a deep connection with God. She also stated that now we do not want to go through the trouble of making that deep connection with God real in our lives. Too true. But I think we are turning a new leaf. I want to give God the most glory for the sake of my posterity but I realized that God wants to save me too.

http://books.google.com/books?id=4JQ6NlYRTN4C&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false
When first confronted with the idea of a loving God, in the face of his sinfulness, Roger J. Morneau, like the prodigal son, sought to be a servant of God that would bring others to the truth, but in the end not be saved himself. Is it possible that I myself thought this way, that in trying to prepare myself to train children in the way that leads to salvation that I too was seeking to atone for my sinful life through servanthood? I do not know if I would go that far. But I realized that I want my life to drastically change in the future for children that  may or may not happen. But what about the me that exists now? I think God is revealing to me that my life can change now. That I can be a daughter of God...Now and not just a servant. So what is stopping me from that deeper connection, that so many others have had in the past, that leads to such an outpouring of the Holy Spirit?

At times when I am studying or praying or reading or just thinking, I am thoroughly excited about the ways God can use me or will use me. But most of the time, I find myself terrified about how weird I will look to others. The opinions of others matter so much to me, it's sad actually. We're on the brink of visions and dreams and I'm worried about looking weird. God is calling me to something deeper. Sometimes it's so close that I feel excitement. Of course these are just feelings which are not to be trusted, and what is more telling of their trustworthiness than the fact that at the thought that God is going to truly manifest Himself in my life, a part of me is excited and the other part is terrified of the judgments of men. Clearly, self is manifested in those feelings, because I cannot sense any humility in me. But I am sure a change will occur in me. It has to. It must.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Kymk9f2TNQ&feature=related

I won't be long

I spent my time today at my job in the preschool.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y8zP34AhuU&feature=related
This song was the theme of the day. I pondered in school about my future career/job as a teacher, specifically in reference to http://www.nycteachingfellows.org/browsernotsupported.html. I want it but I know it's not the end or goal of my life. I'm afraid if I get caught up in that failed system, I will be stuck in it because I am not of the frame of mind to want to leave stability. I really want that stability but I know my aim is much higher. I also know that the aim's pursuit may not be understood by everyone. I was speaking to my sister yesterday and when she heard that I had gotten called back by the job to substitute, she was so happy because God was "opening doors" for me. I laughed inside because there is a longing inside me for God to open up a different kind of door to a whole other life that I may not be ready for. I was speaking to my father today and he asked me when I was going to get something more permanent. He said that the best for me would be a full time teaching position. I responded by saying that it isn't the best for me. I spoke to my cousin about how I would not let my kids watch Aladdin because it glorified a thief and I sensed that it was just too much for her.  I realized that at some point I'm going to look absolutely crazy in front of my relatives and friends. I realized that my life will run against the grain and my state of mind, the way it is now will not be able to handle that. I have to be changed in order for me to stand up for what I believe in. Two cents

10/01/11 Pray

So I haven't come up with a title as yet, but I decided to type this before I pray and hopefully I will be praying as I write this also. I want to fast tomorrow also. As I continue, you will see why this is necessary. So as you probably know, since today was Sabbath, I worked. LOL. Can you say contradiction? LOL.

 I was most frustrated today and I would have to say it started with this morning and the lack of prayer towards God. Last night I had put a sermon on the comp that I wanted to watch but I did not watch it so I figured I would have time to watch it as soon as I get up this morning. And I did, as I was getting dressed for the day but no prayer. No reading of the Bible. I put that off until I was sitting in the car. Oh but as I reach the car I realize I have to make calls for Mommy and practice the song that I would be singing later that evening. So still no prayer.

As I enter the church, I go downstairs to teach Sabbath school. I think it is safe to say that if they benefited from my teaching, it was the work of the Holy Spirit and not me because I rushed in there and I rushed back out to do Welcome for another program going on. As I was coming down from doing my part in the program, a lady told me I needed to stop playing when I go in front of the congregation. Now that made me mad because she knows who I am and I know who I am and if she figured telling me to stop playing would change how I act then apparently she does not know who I am. I vowed not to do the Welcome anymore.

So I went back downstairs and finished teaching the class. Praise team practice was already underway so I just joined them. As we were practicing, we are told that service upstairs has already begun. Of course it has, WITHOUT A PRAISE TEAM. And being that I had to usher, the leading usher that day was mad because I was not up stairs ushering. So I went upstairs, and ushered and then when the praise team went up front, I sang with them and then I went back to ushering. Then the church that was empty became full and my ushering abilities were put to use. The sermon was good. Elder Alton Stewart did a great job. I even recognized some of his quotes from a chapter of great controversy that I read this week so I know that I would have connected with the sermon more if I had been more spiritually focused.  I decided that I was not going to usher anymore.

After service, I rushed downstairs to eat. Then I was called into a praise team rehearsal. Then I ate some more and rushed upstairs to a choir rehearsal that was supposed to begin at 2:30 but had not even started at 2:40. We finally started at 3:00. As I practiced, with the choir I realized that the same things I had problems with in the choir were not changing. So I decided to email Ralph when I got home. When rehearsal was done, I rushed downstairs to start the Bible study. As soon as I get downstairs, they want me to come up to practice the play, the play I spent at least 2 hours of my life rehearsing the night before. So I wrapped up a part of the Bible Study by giving the floor to some older guys to free converse and pick topics for us to study.

So I go and rehearse the play and I come back down. And now Sis. Thompson wants to give me something to do next Sabbath for AY. I thought God was clearing up my schedule for next week Sabbath so I could spend my Sabbath doing something new that I have never done before on a Sabbath when in actuality he was giving me a choice. I chose to move my free Sabbath to the end of the month.

 So we did the play for AY and I rushed to New Life to sing. Instead of spending the car ride there practicing the song I was going to sing, I spent the car ride planning my email to Ralph. Then I went to sing a song I did not have to practice so much. I do not know if it was because of how little was demanding of me by singing the song or how much I delighted in performing but it was one of the most pleasant parts of the day. Then I was whisked away to drop Nicole home and then to see my cousins by my Aunty's house. This is where I got scolded for mocking my Aunt. I repeated her statement towards my cousin. I cried, in my solitary place but I do not like offending people or being wrong. or people judging me and seeing me as wrong. My aunt brought up the fact that I go to church all the time and I preach all the time. Yeah I cried. How the hell am I supposed to feel? Maybe I would have felt better if I had prayed. Maybe I would never had said what I said if I had prayed that morning.

When my aunt was dropping my mother and I home, I noticed that the car was not in the driveway and I assumed that  my brother drove somewhere with my things in the back seat, including tickets to a banquet that I'm supposed to give out.  I was in the frame of mind to justify my self and my frustration that was running high all day. So when I saw Biko at the computer, I was shocked. But I nicely asked for the keys to the car and my mother more forcefully asked for him to move the car. He promised to move the car, but the funny thing was I asked for the keys so I could get my stuff from the car. I honestly did not care if he moved it or not. So I more forcefully asked for the keys. He huffs out the house in anger.

I go outside and sit in the car, realizing that all my reactions that day came from a lack of communication with God. Then I started to doubt. As my brother was headed out to pick up my other brother, I sat in the back seat and compared my brother's carefree life with my worry. I compared my other brother's controlled life with my disarray and I cried. I cried because I knew this path in my life was the only life for me, that I had nothing to fall back on. But I know the reason why I felt the way I felt today. I failed to pray, to read the word of God, to trust Him. I depended completely on myself and cried at how useless my day was. It seems as if the things I really wanted to do was put in the backseat to the things people wanted me to do for them. But I could have changed my reactions and my emotional reality by praying to God and pleading with Him for strength for the day. Yesterday's lesson was not learned. Today was a sad day. But Tomorrow is clean with no mistakes in it yet. LOL.

Job 23 12

So last night, I had a late driving lesson that ended near 1 AM . Then I went back out to pick up my brother. I landed back inside my house minutes to three and in my bed after three trying to read the 18th chapter of the Great Controversy. Long story short, I woke up this morning mad early and made breakfast for my aunt and then I came back to bed to "read". LOL. I knew I was going to sleep but I did make an effort to read something. So yeah, I came back to bed around 9 AM and woke up at 12. LOL. I tried to read some more but then I went to help my aunt with her mail. After that, I went downstairs and prepared lunch for my aunt and washed the dishes. Then I went to the computer to read the same 18th chapter of Great Controversy that I have been trying to read since the night before, but I edited my blog. But I wanted to cook something to eat for tomorrow so I put on a sermon to keep my mind stayed on God while I cooked. My nieces and nephews stopped by for a visit and I did not even finish listening to my sermon. Then I had to go rehearse for a play we are doing tomorrow evening. Long story short, I've been chasing God down all day, and it all started when I decided I was entitled to nap because of the time I went to bed last night. Come to find out I'm not entitled to anything that denies me of God. Including myself. Reminds me of my friend, Hanif's video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bml-Z_CB8kQ&feature=related

I starved today. Lesson : Catch your manna early in the morning. It's more valuable than food and, yes, sleep.

Salvation: a right or a privilege?

In my five hour driving class, the instructor discussed the means by which we enter The Driving Society. He asked if driving was a right or a privilege. Of course, clearly, it was a privilege. But before we answered, he wanted us to define the difference between a right and a privilege. The girl who was brave enough to raise her hand in answer to the question, said that a right is something that is guaranteed to you and a privilege is something you have to earn. As soon as she said earn, my mind though about salvation (I'm such preacher's kid, I mean what normal person just thinks about salvation in the middle of their 5 hour class?). As I was thinking about it, I would have thought that Salvation was a privilege because it sounds nicer than right but the answer was staring at me from my paper because like any nerd, I had already written down what was said and what I thought about it. Salvation could not be a privilege because you cannot earn it. Salvation had to be a right. Like the right to vote. You can choose to vote or not but that is your protected right as a citizen of this country over the age of 17. The instructor corrected the girls definition of a right by saying it is something we are entitled to not guaranteed because sometimes our rights are not guaranteed, especially if you are a black man. I thought about how much more our right to salvation is protected than our right to vote has been protected in the past, how much more we are guaranteed salvation than we are entitled the right to vote. You know what really sucks? The majority of people will be lost and not saved, not because the right to salvation is not guaranteed, but because we're more concerned about the physical world we can see, in which our protected right to vote elects a president like Bush, than we are about the spiritual world that we cannot see, in which our right to salvation is merited by Jesus Christ. Food for thought: How can I make the spiritual world more apparent to myself and those around me?

My Spiritual Life: Part 1 ( because I know I won't finish LOL)

It's very easy for me to compartmentalize my life, to put my spiritual life in a corner of my mind, to close God off in a box I only open when I get to church. God, however, should be like a mental epidemic that infects every area of the life.  Every area! My Father says I should view the world spiritually first. Indeed tonight, I must say that I did not see the spiritual detriment of driving late with my instructor. Bad idea! If you're reading this , instructor, yeah, I'm blowing up your spot. I had a friend who used to say he won't talk to girls after 11 PM. I used to think dude was soft. Now, I can see sharply how strong and right on point my dude was. My instructor is cool. But like I've said, it's very hard for me to speak about spiritual things with him.
First, there's the fear that I won't live up to the standard that I profess. Secondly, I figure he's smart enough to pick up on certain things about myself and my religion. Thirdly, I do not usually feel like talking about religious things with him. Bad combination. So yes, I've definitely separated my spiritual life from my driving life, which doesn't make any sense because you would think God would be necessary when I am behind the wheel of a car.  Well, I can't completely separate my spiritual life from driving because it does affect all parts of my life but I do not usually  "glory" in it when I'm being instructed on how to drive. Unfortunately, he must sense my hesitation because his mouth became real reckless after a certain hour.
Long story short, if I was more upfront about what I believe and my standards, he  would have never have  been that reckless. How can my life preach without me opening my mouth? Or when will I just get a backbone and talk about Jesus?

Part 2: Salvation: A right or a privilege?

A Holy Convocation?

In the many times that the Bible talks about the seventh day Sabbath, there is only one verse that says that it should be a holy convocation:
Six days shall work be done: but the seventh day is the sabbath of rest, an holy convocation; ye shall do no worktherein: it is the sabbath of the LORD in all your dwellings. Lev. 23:3


Convocation: a sacred assembly called together http://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?Strongs=H4744&t=KJV


So, we gather together on the Sabbath day, and we go through our process of waking early, dressing up real nice, and then we enter into the sanctuary ( If you're like me, just in time for divine hour.lol) .Then we follow the order of service: sing during the processional, listen to the call to worship, sing the Praise God from whom...., listen to the preacher pray, sing the doxology,  listen to announcements, listen to the pastor welcome, sing the welcome song, Children's story  building fund, Hymns of Praise, Intercessory Prayer, offering, scripture reading, special music, etc. All of this intermingled with standing, sitting and optional kneeling.

As you can probably tell, this sounds like a whole lot of formality. I believe in ordered worship but some things are not necessary in a worship service. Like the ridiculous standing and sitting over and over again. Don't get me wrong! I believe God is worthy of respect. But it is not commanded for us to stand a certain amount of times in worship. Some things are not necessary. And if I am not mistaken, I believe a lot of the things we have in our worship service like the Gloria Patri as our doxology and the standing for the processional are Catholic in origin. Do the extra things make the service holy? I do not believe so. God makes us holy and therefore it is He who makes our services Holy.

The high point of the divine service is " The Preached Word". Oooooh. (sarcasm) Don't get me wrong. I like sermons. And the preaching of the word is necessary.  But I do not believe that our services should center around the preaching. A minority come to Wednesday night prayer meeting, Sabbath school, Bible study and to the the youth programs. The main focus of the attendees is the preaching. Why not make the focus a Bible Study session or a testimony session during the divine hour? Crazy, huh?

Without any actual change in the running of church services, it becomes tradition and ritualistic. As I was visiting this site, http://www.thesabbathchallenge.com/, the writer of the blog makes a list of Sabbath activities, and none of those activities involve going to formal worship session in a church. Now, I do not believe this person is an authority on how Sabbath should be kept, but I believe that it is a rude awakening to those who keep Sabbath by ritually going to church every week. One lady in response to a blog entry spoke about wanting her children to enjoy the Sabbath.  She says,

 "I wanted to make it a very special day for them, not just church and reading the bible. I wanted them to develop an enjoyment for the Sabbath and our wonderful Lord."

When you're dating someone, you do not do the same thing every time you meet them. You do something different and interesting. Starting next month, I'm going to take one Sabbath off from church to do something involving my Creator that is different and interesting. The possibilities are endless. Quite honestly, I hope I do not sleep the whole Sabbath away. LOL. Will I still assemble with believers? Sometime during the day... LOL.

Abide in Christ, Die for Christ Part 2

The martyrs who died in a most cruel way, followed the way of Jesus and they bravely yet meekly gave up their lives. But the only way that we can follow in that route is to be like Jesus. Jesus has to abide in us and we have to abide in Him. Whoa! What do I mean by abide in him? Well how can we follow someone who we know nothing about? We follow him by reading His word. How can we follow someone who we do not speak to? We've got to pray. Now how can I follow someone who does not entertain my thoughts or salt my conversations? We've got to speak and think about Jesus. Abide: to be kept, to remain http://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?strongs=G3306&t=KJV&page=2
Remain in Jesus in your thoughts, actions and words. Easier said than done.

My father told my cousin that we have to pray to Jesus every minute of the day. My cousin said that it was impossible to do it every minute of everyday. My father disagreed. While studying the lesson from the quarterly with my aunt, we came across an relating question: If I do not worship all the time, can my worship be truly accepted on Sabbath?  My aunt said, " Well, we have to worship on Sabbath." Wow! Indeed! But I do not blame her because her mind is not always there fully and she probably has her guard up because she was talking to me, the daughter of my father, with whom she used to argue over Sabbath issues. But I quickly corrected her by saying that worship is not delegated to only one day a week, that everything we do should worship and honor God.

As I was speaking to her, my mind went back to a website I saw earlier that week. http://www.thesabbathchallenge.com/ This site was very interesting to say the least. I am seriously re-evaluating my Sabbath experience and the activities I participate in on the Sabbath (like writing on my blog at 12 AM LOL. Not necessarily ungodly, but not too restful). One problem the blogger had was:


"Another area I struggled a little with was keeping my mind focused in
the morning. I kept bringing up daily things to talk about with my
husband, then realizing that I needed to redirect my thoughts toward
God."

But isn't our minds always supposed to be focused on Christ? Even when we are discussing daily problems, isn't Christ supposed to be our focus? How can we remain in Him and be kept by Him if our thoughts are so far from Him? Not only on Sabbath but everyday of the week.

Now I'll admit that my mind is usually very far from Jesus. My problem is simple: I forget about God. My happiest and most endearing reflection is not about the second coming. My thoughts of deepest contemplation are not of the cross. My mind does not think about how awesome the incarnation is. My mind usually thinks, " Been there. Done that." I'm very jaded in that sense. My mind, like I said before is unstable.

This is not a good thing but something my driving instructor said is helping me. He says, " Every three to four seconds, check your back ( the rear view mirror). If you forget, 6, 8, 10, 12 seconds pass, as soon as you remember, check your back."  So when I remember to ponder God's goodness or the life of Jesus or my relationship with Christ, I do.

Now I'll admit that I've ignored that push to think about Godly things. I'll be the first to admit that there are thoughts in my mind that are more exciting and entertaining to me.  But I have to educate my mind to love the things of God. My goal is to be like Jesus. By beholding I can be changed. If my mind does not behold the life of Jesus, how can I be changed into His likeness? If I'm not changed into His likeness, then in the time of persecution, I will most likely reenact the actions of the traitor and not of Christ.

Next Post: A Holy Convocation?

Abide in Christ, Die for Christ

During the middle ages, in France, the reformation, based on the true gospel that was struggling to survive, was horrifically restricted. The Catholics found a Judas for their cause that would lead them to all his fellow protestant believers, who would surely be put to death.

"A poor artisan, an adherent of the reformed faith, who had been accustomed to summon the believers to their secret assemblies, was seized and, with the threat of instant death at the stake, was commanded to conduct the papal emissary to the home of every Protestant in the city. He shrank in horror from the base proposal, but at last fear of the flames prevailed, and he consented to become the betrayer of his brethren." GC, 226

After reading this, I felt so much dislike for this man. My mother tried to convince me to pity his situation (which I'm sure was the more Christlike thought process LOL) but I wasn't having none of it. This Judas led a processional to the houses of all the protestant reformers, from which the occupants were swiftly removed and chained  by soldiers, to be held until their ultimate demise at the stake. But they did not face death with fear.

"There was no pulpit like the martyr's pile. The serene joy that lighted up the faces of these men as they passed along . . .to the place of execution, their heroism as they stood amid the bitter flames, their meek forgiveness of injuries, transformed, in instances not a few, anger into pity, and hate into love, and pleaded with resistless eloquence in behalf of the gospel."--Wylie, b. 13, ch. 20.

In the face of death, serene joy was on their faces. The thought of dying for and in Christ was pleasing. They were heroic in their stance. And like Jesus, forgiving to those who were hurting them. Forgiving?!

The acts of the traitor were outrageous and stirs up feelings of anger. But I must say that the reaction of those martyrs are equally as shocking if not more so. The funny thing is that the acts of the traitor are so human. He sought to protect his own. We all do that. He valued his life more than others, even more than the gospel of Christ. Self preservation is the way of the world.

The church of God will be persecuted . Those who do the will of God will be hated of all men. Jesus said it. The question is which side would I fall in? Will I be willing to give up my life or will I go the way of the world and preserve my life?

Outlets of Hope: Part 2

Almost 10 years ago ( most likely more ), in a meeting with the young people of the church, a lady mentioned that when she has those sexual urges that she puts a pillow between her legs. At the time, I was totally disgusted by the lady's blase attitude. And even when recounting the story years later, I feel a little disgusted. A single woman from church that I admire overheard the story. Her commentary for the story was interesting. She said that she did not have to deal with those urges anymore. I asked her why not. She responded, "I prayed to God to remove them." It was interesting that she would want to remove something that God made her with but as I thought about it more , what need does she have for sexual urges? She is not married and she wants to devote her life to ministry. A sexual urge could only take away from that. And if by chance she gets married down the line, couldn't the same God who turned off the sexual urge turn it back on?

The same can go for my problems. I put too much hope in a future with a man. But if I prayed earnestly enough about it, couldn't it be stopped? Should I stop going places just because men may or may not be there, no matter what other benefits to my spiritual life attending these events might bring? No!! I refuse! Luther prayed three hours a day, in the face of His obstacles. Did he stop going places because it would cause disharmony? No!! Men do not rule my actions. God does and if I need to overcome a problem in my mind, I can trust it with God. Avoiding men won't stop me from fantasizing. I can choose to stop fantasizing and give it too God. God can deliver me from the misdirection of my mind. Men are not outlets for hope. My mind creates the outlet for hope and if you do not know this already, my mind is unstable. But what can be more stable than Jesus? Can I not trust Him with my hope? My friends? My life? My everything? It's one thing to say but now to act it out. Starting out with earnest prayer.
A revival of true godliness among us is the greatest and most urgent of all our needs. To seek this should be our first work. There must be earnest effort to obtain the blessing of the Lord, not because God is not willing to bestow His blessing upon us, but because we are unprepared to receive it. Our heavenly Father is more willing to give His Holy Spirit to those who ask Him, than are earthly parents to give good gifts to their children. But it is our work, by confession, humiliation, repentance, and earnest prayer, to fulfill the conditions upon which God has promised to grant us His blessing (Ellen G. White, True Revival, p. 9; Review and Herald, March 22, 1887).


Next Post: Abide in Christ/ Willing to Die (Haven't decided if I will combine or separate)

Happiness vs. Joy

hap·pi·ness

 

[hap-ee-nis]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the quality or state of being happy.

2.

good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

joy

 

[joi]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the emotion of great delight or happiness caused bysomething exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure;elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2.

a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something orsomeone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is apure joy.

3.

the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4.

a state of happiness or felicity.

I've heard that the difference between being happy and being joyful is that something has to happen to make you happy, hence the similar spelling. But joyful is deeper in it's meaning which is probably why you can call the source of pleasure, joy and joy describes the state of being as happiness describes good fortune/luck, which is dependent on circumstances. Joy depends on you, happiness depends on your surroundings.  I am not giving strict meaning for either of the words, nor am I forfeiting what I have previously said. I believe that the English language is fluid and that meanings can change over periods of time. However, based on the distinction I made between happiness and joy, I would like to have joy. 


Jesus said, "These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." John 15:11


So it is possible for our joy to be full, complete.  I've been told that I have a happy disposition, but based my thoughts and my ability to know myself I would say that my disposition is quite indifferent. When I was younger, I did not want to be the girl who cries because it was not cool to cry. The only thing that really makes me cry is scary things, like recounting a ghost story. So I started by not allowing myself to cry at funerals. And then I just tried to stop crying altogether.  But as I got older, I realized that by cutting off my tears, I also cut off a lot of my smiles. I became emotionally detached to some extent. I found myself wanting to cry and smile. Sometimes now I have to force myself to smile at a happy situation or force my to feel the sadness. Only recently have I felt emotions so strong or overwhelming that tears readily come to my eyes. 


Now these are the words Jesus spoke to His disciples so that their joy may be full:  
"If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love." John 15:10


Wow! So those aren't the only words that precede John 15:11. John 15: 1-10 talks about basically abiding in Christ, the true vine. So our joy may be full if we abide in Christ. Interesting!!! So if I abide in Christ, my joy will be full. Now I define my thoughts mostly as not being so joyful and far from God. Sometimes I find joy in quite morbid things but that is another story. But the idea is that if my mind and my actions and my words are dwelling on Christ and following after His own example ( imitation is one of the greatest shows of honor) then I will have full joy. Following Christ leads to full joy. Now the questions again is asked: How can I focus my mind on Christ, so that my actions and words will follow? 


Earnest prayer: Focus on Jesus!