So I haven't come up with a title as yet, but I decided to type this before I pray and hopefully I will be praying as I write this also. I want to fast tomorrow also. As I continue, you will see why this is necessary. So as you probably know, since today was Sabbath, I worked. LOL. Can you say contradiction? LOL.
I was most frustrated today and I would have to say it started with this morning and the lack of prayer towards God. Last night I had put a sermon on the comp that I wanted to watch but I did not watch it so I figured I would have time to watch it as soon as I get up this morning. And I did, as I was getting dressed for the day but no prayer. No reading of the Bible. I put that off until I was sitting in the car. Oh but as I reach the car I realize I have to make calls for Mommy and practice the song that I would be singing later that evening. So still no prayer.
As I enter the church, I go downstairs to teach Sabbath school. I think it is safe to say that if they benefited from my teaching, it was the work of the Holy Spirit and not me because I rushed in there and I rushed back out to do Welcome for another program going on. As I was coming down from doing my part in the program, a lady told me I needed to stop playing when I go in front of the congregation. Now that made me mad because she knows who I am and I know who I am and if she figured telling me to stop playing would change how I act then apparently she does not know who I am. I vowed not to do the Welcome anymore.
So I went back downstairs and finished teaching the class. Praise team practice was already underway so I just joined them. As we were practicing, we are told that service upstairs has already begun. Of course it has, WITHOUT A PRAISE TEAM. And being that I had to usher, the leading usher that day was mad because I was not up stairs ushering. So I went upstairs, and ushered and then when the praise team went up front, I sang with them and then I went back to ushering. Then the church that was empty became full and my ushering abilities were put to use. The sermon was good. Elder Alton Stewart did a great job. I even recognized some of his quotes from a chapter of great controversy that I read this week so I know that I would have connected with the sermon more if I had been more spiritually focused. I decided that I was not going to usher anymore.
After service, I rushed downstairs to eat. Then I was called into a praise team rehearsal. Then I ate some more and rushed upstairs to a choir rehearsal that was supposed to begin at 2:30 but had not even started at 2:40. We finally started at 3:00. As I practiced, with the choir I realized that the same things I had problems with in the choir were not changing. So I decided to email Ralph when I got home. When rehearsal was done, I rushed downstairs to start the Bible study. As soon as I get downstairs, they want me to come up to practice the play, the play I spent at least 2 hours of my life rehearsing the night before. So I wrapped up a part of the Bible Study by giving the floor to some older guys to free converse and pick topics for us to study.
So I go and rehearse the play and I come back down. And now Sis. Thompson wants to give me something to do next Sabbath for AY. I thought God was clearing up my schedule for next week Sabbath so I could spend my Sabbath doing something new that I have never done before on a Sabbath when in actuality he was giving me a choice. I chose to move my free Sabbath to the end of the month.
So we did the play for AY and I rushed to New Life to sing. Instead of spending the car ride there practicing the song I was going to sing, I spent the car ride planning my email to Ralph. Then I went to sing a song I did not have to practice so much. I do not know if it was because of how little was demanding of me by singing the song or how much I delighted in performing but it was one of the most pleasant parts of the day. Then I was whisked away to drop Nicole home and then to see my cousins by my Aunty's house. This is where I got scolded for mocking my Aunt. I repeated her statement towards my cousin. I cried, in my solitary place but I do not like offending people or being wrong. or people judging me and seeing me as wrong. My aunt brought up the fact that I go to church all the time and I preach all the time. Yeah I cried. How the hell am I supposed to feel? Maybe I would have felt better if I had prayed. Maybe I would never had said what I said if I had prayed that morning.
When my aunt was dropping my mother and I home, I noticed that the car was not in the driveway and I assumed that my brother drove somewhere with my things in the back seat, including tickets to a banquet that I'm supposed to give out. I was in the frame of mind to justify my self and my frustration that was running high all day. So when I saw Biko at the computer, I was shocked. But I nicely asked for the keys to the car and my mother more forcefully asked for him to move the car. He promised to move the car, but the funny thing was I asked for the keys so I could get my stuff from the car. I honestly did not care if he moved it or not. So I more forcefully asked for the keys. He huffs out the house in anger.
I go outside and sit in the car, realizing that all my reactions that day came from a lack of communication with God. Then I started to doubt. As my brother was headed out to pick up my other brother, I sat in the back seat and compared my brother's carefree life with my worry. I compared my other brother's controlled life with my disarray and I cried. I cried because I knew this path in my life was the only life for me, that I had nothing to fall back on. But I know the reason why I felt the way I felt today. I failed to pray, to read the word of God, to trust Him. I depended completely on myself and cried at how useless my day was. It seems as if the things I really wanted to do was put in the backseat to the things people wanted me to do for them. But I could have changed my reactions and my emotional reality by praying to God and pleading with Him for strength for the day. Yesterday's lesson was not learned. Today was a sad day. But Tomorrow is clean with no mistakes in it yet. LOL.
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