Steal my crown

I heard a sermon the other day, comparing Judas to Peter. Judas was politically and financially motivated and ambitious. Through the worldly eyes, he was it. He would be admired by our society today just because of his drive and motivation. But Peter just seemed to always have his foot in his mouth. He was always saying something ridiculous and he could never follow through with his claims of devotion to the Master. While Judas never made such claims, he did have business sense, as can be seen in the situation with the lady who had that alabaster box.  Judas had strong attributes that made him quite capable of betraying his master. Peter was weak and needed to be broken in order to be powerful for Christ. Why am I talking about this? It seems to me that those that go hard for God are weak and not admirable, yet powerful nonetheless. Those who go hard for the world are crazy talented. And then there are the masses in between these two groups. Now as I see it, the masses don't matter to the devil either way so even if they limp into hell, it doesn't put them in a better version of the lake of fire. They're gonna burn. But God demands a full surrender because there is no lower version of heaven. He wants it all. Now I find myself at a stage in my life where I envy that Judas personality. I lack ambition and drive. I want to make it big but I know what the devil has for me is not something I want. But I KNOW I haven't surrendered completely to God, so here I am with no ambition or drive and no humility and repentance. With a weak Peter personality, limping my butt into hell. LOL. Not funny but trying to lighten things up.  Being a part of the goyem when you have the knowledge to push you in either the Judas direction or the Peter direction, really sucks because you know things could better. All you would need is that deal with the devil or that complete surrender to God and you would be set. And yet I find myself dissatisfied with my miserable situation. My mediocrity greets me in the morning and I turnover and hide from the rest of my day. I want to go in. I want to live that Godly life of favor. I know he exists and I know He is faithful who  promised.  But I am never satisfied. I do not know if I live in the middle because I'm trying to keep my options open but I know that there are people going hard for God, giving their all to Him and I am just chilling. I don't want to go all in, because I don't want to be bought, tricked, hoodwinked. But I'm not willing to research what is the truth. I need help, lol. But I do have that nagging fear that while I'm on the sidelines slowly trying to find truth, that some person that's seeking more diligently will come in and snatch my heavenly crown. I give ya'll the right to be confused at my rambling but this is straight from the heart.

What can I do Lord?

Hello friend,

Because of you, I have decided to be more vocal, that what I have done in the past is not enough and people do not always need a soothing message for itching ears. Thank you Lord for the showers of blessings.What can I do Lord?

I wrote this memo in response to a  friend who was finding out about the SDA faith and her eyes were just opening and yes she was just proving to me that what I already knew was true. But you know what her response to me was: Why didn't you tell me? You knew all this crap and you did not tell me? 

Yes, she called me out, Don't get me wrong. There is no excuse for holding back truth. But yes, SDAs are trained to come up against opposition to their faith and yes, because of fear of rejection, there is definitely a lull in being bold personally. So my friend's accusation of silence and holding back the truth convicted me to be more vocal about my religion. Since this time, things have happened, that have actually silenced me. So I'm going to go directly into another topic right now

Next blog: Steal my crown

Beauty for Ashes

He gives beauty for ashes
strength for fear
gladness for mourning
Peace for despair
When sorrow seems to surrounds you
When suffering hangs heavy over head
Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing
God knows your needs just believe what He said
What what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings wholeness and healing
God knows your needs just believe what he said
I once was lost but God has found me
Once was blind I been set free
I been made righteous in His sight
a display of his splendor all can see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lpAuXtiyiA&feature=related

A song I sing sometimes

Gossip is a cruel mistress

When I spoke to a friend of mine about occurrences that happened and why she was displeased with me. She mentioned that I said something about her while  I was not aware of her presence. Basically I was backbiting. SMDH. And then I did it again and God put up a stop sign.

I'm telling my friend a story about the same person. I'm about to go in to detail, nothing too negative. I'm literally recounting a true story with a touch of personal opinion. But then the person I'm talking to tells me, " You know, the person you're talking about is here today."  I then have a brain wipe. What I was about to say before she interjected was erased from my memory. And now I have to reword the story so that it sounds more favorable to the person I'm talking about. The knowledge that the person I was talking about had the possibility of hearing what I was saying changed my mind and I could not recall what I was going to say. Knowing that this same person heard me before made me more aware of her hearing me this time. I cringe to think of the example I set when I talk about other people who do not make me aware of them. Lord, shut my mouth, until I remember thee.

Next blog: What can I do Lord?

Everyday is a battle...

Everyday is a battle. Every minute a struggle, every second is conflict. Lord give me the grace to love what you want me to do. Lord I need to be yours more than I am mine or anyone else's.

I do not know why I wrote this but I do know that I was really trying at this point, some may even say working, to keep God foremost. He cannot be at fault for this falling out. It is me. The reason why I am confused about what to do with....life is because I am impatient and I like to keep busy. If He was speaking to me, I was not hearing it because I was busy and I had my own agenda, my own idols to please. One characteristic I would love to change about myself... I am to malleable by everyone but the Lover of my soul. I have to take control. My will has to become my own before I give it to God. WOW!!!!
Deep!

Next blog: Gossip is a cruel mistress

let my tongue be silenced if i ever forget you

As you can see, I'm trying to get it in today. I haven't kept up with blogging, so I have a lot of back topics to cover to revisit and/or to ignore. As noted by a memo in my phone from March 19th, the title of this blog is let my tongue be silenced if i ever forget you. I was passing by a church and noticed this on the church sign as I passed by. I thought it was so profound that I took note of it. I did not know where I was going to go with it. Maybe to Zechariah who was made dumb by the angel in whom he did not believe. Or maybe I would go into how I wanted my devotion to God to be so deep that I would make that promise.
I finally looked up the phrase this morning. It comes from Psalm 137, specifically verse 6. It was a sung in Babylonian captivity. Even though they were in strange, heathen land, they wanted to keep God in their mind. The song itself acts as a reminder. I won't lie because it's not favorable in His sight. If this statement were to be true for everyone who has stated it in devotion to the Great God of Heaven, this world would be silent, I myself being the mime leader. How can you forget someone who gives reminders of Himself in His very creation? I have allowed a very insidious doubt to grow in my mind.

If you can read this, you must pray for me. God have mercy on me, a sinner.

Next blog: Everyday is a battle...

You are the most important person...

I took a medical missionary course. It was very informative and I am so glad I went.  I am not necessarily applying what I learned but I am glad I went. The teacher, Pastor Daley, informed us that in order to be certified as a medical missionary, you must fulfill some requirements. Now, I am doing some other courses too and I am sure that this course will take up a substantial amount of my time. But I know who my worst enemy is. It's not my schedule or my church or my future job/schooling or my family or my anything I can offer as an excuse as to why I could not complete the certification for the course. My worse enemy is myself and all the bad habits that go along with what I call the normal procedure. Laziness, procrastination, doubt, confusion.  I am sure I have the ability to complete all of the things I have allotted for myself to do this year. However, I find myself. pushing things back and accomplishing the bare minimum. I could say I am sad and perplexed about my situation but a lot of the time I find myself not caring. Yes you heard me right. I am in a state of indifference, which is probably worse than any Laodician mindset of ignorance. I know and don't care.  However I have a plan. This week, I study for the exam. Next Sunday, on Mother's day, the Senior Youth Leadership Course that I'm taking will be facilitating a church history exam. So this week, I plan on studying my butt off everyday at the library. Yes you heard right. I plan to change things up. Sad story is that I have many plans. That's why I find myself doing all these things, because I have plans. But the gumption to follow through? Not there. But I'm making my own gumption and devoting this week to studying for that exam. LOL. Because , like Pastor Daley said, YOU are the most important person. I got to do me. I got to fix me. This is not an impossibility. I can do this!!! I have the power to accomplish whatever I set my mind to. Church heritage is going down!!!!

Next Blog: let my tongue be silenced if i ever forget you

Flirting w/ good Intentions

I have been making notes in my phone. Their short memos with ideas for my next blog. Usually, the words refer to a specific event that sparked my interest as to something I would want to talk about.  Sometimes I can go on and on in one memo. Lately it's been one or two words. Don't get me wrong. One or two words can be great reminders as to the event and why it sparked an interest in me for internal reflection. But I should know that if I can only write one or two words about a subject than maybe, it wasn't that interesting in the first place. Case in point, the title for this blog entry is exactly what I put in my phone.

My friends and I were visiting a church event and they were talking about how flirting can be just a turn off and not too godly. And then it was mentioned that guys should back off of the flirting unless the have "good intentions". Of course at the time, my friends and I needed flirting w/ good intentions to be defined. And as I was writing the memo in my phone, I could imagine myself trying to define the good intentions in this blog. The event was over a month ago and the interest is just not there anymore, so I'm going on to my next blog entry...

Next Blog: You are the most important person...