Steal my crown

I heard a sermon the other day, comparing Judas to Peter. Judas was politically and financially motivated and ambitious. Through the worldly eyes, he was it. He would be admired by our society today just because of his drive and motivation. But Peter just seemed to always have his foot in his mouth. He was always saying something ridiculous and he could never follow through with his claims of devotion to the Master. While Judas never made such claims, he did have business sense, as can be seen in the situation with the lady who had that alabaster box.  Judas had strong attributes that made him quite capable of betraying his master. Peter was weak and needed to be broken in order to be powerful for Christ. Why am I talking about this? It seems to me that those that go hard for God are weak and not admirable, yet powerful nonetheless. Those who go hard for the world are crazy talented. And then there are the masses in between these two groups. Now as I see it, the masses don't matter to the devil either way so even if they limp into hell, it doesn't put them in a better version of the lake of fire. They're gonna burn. But God demands a full surrender because there is no lower version of heaven. He wants it all. Now I find myself at a stage in my life where I envy that Judas personality. I lack ambition and drive. I want to make it big but I know what the devil has for me is not something I want. But I KNOW I haven't surrendered completely to God, so here I am with no ambition or drive and no humility and repentance. With a weak Peter personality, limping my butt into hell. LOL. Not funny but trying to lighten things up.  Being a part of the goyem when you have the knowledge to push you in either the Judas direction or the Peter direction, really sucks because you know things could better. All you would need is that deal with the devil or that complete surrender to God and you would be set. And yet I find myself dissatisfied with my miserable situation. My mediocrity greets me in the morning and I turnover and hide from the rest of my day. I want to go in. I want to live that Godly life of favor. I know he exists and I know He is faithful who  promised.  But I am never satisfied. I do not know if I live in the middle because I'm trying to keep my options open but I know that there are people going hard for God, giving their all to Him and I am just chilling. I don't want to go all in, because I don't want to be bought, tricked, hoodwinked. But I'm not willing to research what is the truth. I need help, lol. But I do have that nagging fear that while I'm on the sidelines slowly trying to find truth, that some person that's seeking more diligently will come in and snatch my heavenly crown. I give ya'll the right to be confused at my rambling but this is straight from the heart.