If I got with you...

I would disappoint you and myself.
I would wonder if I'm enough.
I would wonder what is wrong with my mind for choosing you.
I would try to be something I'm not to please you.
I would wonder if God would be pleased with me for being with you.
I would neglect God to be with you.
I would be so emotional.
I would hate you for making me that way.
I would wonder if you were settling for me or if I were settling for you.
I would never be enough for myself because I know what you want and it ain't me.
Please tell my heart and make it believe that it would be wrong if I got with you because I do not know how to act or what to say around you and I'm afraid to be me around you and the fact is that even though I shouldn't be with you, my heart doesn't know what shouldn't means and my heart hates you for it.
I would be a utter mess
I would fail you miserably
I would fall hopelessly
if I got with you.

CNM May 31, 2011

Chasing After You

Actively pursuing God is not something you do alone. Sometimes we picture God as the Father of the prodigal son, waiting patiently for His child. Don't get me wrong. It is a good parable and Jesus is very smart. But think about it another way. If the great omni-present God were to wait for you, where would He wait? Is He able to stand at your doorstep and wait for you to come back to Him? Yes, but what if your homecoming doesn't happen at your doorstep? What if it happens at your church or school or on the subway? Wherever and Whenever it happens, God is there to welcome you with open arms.  God loves you with an everlasting love and with loving kindness He draws us to Himself. But it's deeper than that. What about when you don't feel like being with God, when you feel like doing your own thing? Is God's hand to short to reach you? Have you been completely shut off from grace? No! God still provides grace and instances seen and unseen of loving kindness in which He draws us to Himself. It was made clear to me this evening at a prayer meeting @ CCC. I was brought to the startling realization that the sermon was for me, for the strengthening of my prayer life and no one could have benefited from that service tonight like I did. He is drawing me in only a way that I could recognize, that is sufficient for me. No, I cannot give up because while I sinned Christ died for and insists on chasing after ungodly me.

Slack concerning His promises as we are...

you would know the right person to spend your life with when you are a better you when they're with you


When you can't live without them

I never finish what I start

When I was a baby, I've been told that I started talking and walking early. But I stopped. No one knows why. I may assume to know why. I may mention occurrences that were told to me because I was too young to remember that may explain why I did stop . But to be quite honest, I do not know why I stopped. And if I do not know how can anyone else know? It took me forever to start doing it again. Many other things in my life run in the same course. I start piano lessons; I stop piano lessons. I stop driving. I start driving. I start exercising. I stop exercising. I start praying and reading my Bible. I stop reading praying my Bible. I start eating healthy. I stop eating healthy. I start writing my book. I stop writing my book. Start. Stop. Stop. Start. As you can probably tell, building a good habit usually takes a very long time for me. But as I've been driving, I've noticing that I have a large fear of failure. I just don't want to be wrong. Heck, I don't want to be seen as if I may be doing something wrong. The problem with that fear is that it is self-fulfilling. How do I know? My whole life I have taken notice of the many times I have been wrong. And because I see it happening I notice it more when it does happen. In fact, it overshadows all the right. I hate being wrong. I hate being corrected because the person correcting me sees what I am doing as wrong. I am very passionate about being selected as being wrong. I can remember arguments with my ex that mainly had to do with why I was wrong all the time. How I was unkind or inconsiderate or selfish. But I would never call out anyone else who was wrong. I am very lenient towards others. Do unto others as you would have them do on to you. The problem with that is everyone is not me. Nor do they feel the same way I feel about being wrong.
I can imagine myself as a child, taking my first steps at such a young age, tentatively towards my mother or father raising their hopes for me. And then lowering them to average with my untimely stumble. This probably led to some crying (I was a big crier). Then some coddling from my mother. Which just told me average is ok. You don't suck. Average is ok. But baby me did not want to be average. So I dropped out of the walking game completely. Same for the dating game. Same for the life game. I sit out after a big disappointment. But at some point, you have to get up and walk. Just like life. You have to get in it. So that being said these are some things I'm committed to getting done by next year.

1) driver's license
2) book (yes I'm writing one) money
3) music thing (I actually do not know what to do with that yet but something has to be done)
4) missionary trip thing (YAY! I want to travel abroad again)
5) get my own car (I have to be driving my own car while I am 25)

I have to become a credible resource however. In many ways, but specifically in following through what I say I will do. I hate that people can read this. I don't want to slack off  but there is a big part me that knows I may want some room in the future to slack off.
In better news, I talked to my father today (Yay?) and I had my second driving lesson (my own money) and I am bored with SIMS. Can you believe it? I'm bored! I did not think it could happen. I even played in the other neighborhoods and I was bored to death. I'm going to lay off the SIMS for a while.

They don't care

I was talking to my friends and I realized I suck at listening. Like they be talking and I just be planning what I want to say next. I be cutting people off. I'm so not even into it anymore. I really just want to stop being selfish and just feel for the other person. I just care about myself. Half the time, I be thinking, they don't care, they just want to talk about whatever they want to talk. What about I don't care? What about I'm so screwed up that I'm only 25 and I think everyone's life is easier than mine? What about I think that my problems are the biggest in the world? I'm not even 25 yet. I'm practically a child for all intents and purposes. I live at home with my Momma. I got no bills to pay. I got money in savings just sitting there. I complain about not getting my point across when I actually would take no action for the points I try to get across. I'm all talk and no bite. Well, I'm going to save the talking and plans for my blog and when I talk to people, I'll just hear them out for a change. Shoot.

Plans for tomorrow.

1. Go to work

2. Practice driving. (Yeah with my momma)

3.Come home and work on making my feet look pretty. 

4. Call my Daddy (Yeah you heard right. I still ain't did it.)

5. Cook something

6.Go all power http://www.goallpower.com/#vc-player

QUIT COMPLAINING and work it out. Somehow I got to work on my relationships. Shoot. I suck.