When I was a baby, I've been told that I started talking and walking early. But I stopped. No one knows why. I may assume to know why. I may mention occurrences that were told to me because I was too young to remember that may explain why I did stop . But to be quite honest, I do not know why I stopped. And if I do not know how can anyone else know? It took me forever to start doing it again. Many other things in my life run in the same course. I start piano lessons; I stop piano lessons. I stop driving. I start driving. I start exercising. I stop exercising. I start praying and reading my Bible. I stop reading praying my Bible. I start eating healthy. I stop eating healthy. I start writing my book. I stop writing my book. Start. Stop. Stop. Start. As you can probably tell, building a good habit usually takes a very long time for me. But as I've been driving, I've noticing that I have a large fear of failure. I just don't want to be wrong. Heck, I don't want to be seen as if I may be doing something wrong. The problem with that fear is that it is self-fulfilling. How do I know? My whole life I have taken notice of the many times I have been wrong. And because I see it happening I notice it more when it does happen. In fact, it overshadows all the right. I hate being wrong. I hate being corrected because the person correcting me sees what I am doing as wrong. I am very passionate about being selected as being wrong. I can remember arguments with my ex that mainly had to do with why I was wrong all the time. How I was unkind or inconsiderate or selfish. But I would never call out anyone else who was wrong. I am very lenient towards others. Do unto others as you would have them do on to you. The problem with that is everyone is not me. Nor do they feel the same way I feel about being wrong.
I can imagine myself as a child, taking my first steps at such a young age, tentatively towards my mother or father raising their hopes for me. And then lowering them to average with my untimely stumble. This probably led to some crying (I was a big crier). Then some coddling from my mother. Which just told me average is ok. You don't suck. Average is ok. But baby me did not want to be average. So I dropped out of the walking game completely. Same for the dating game. Same for the life game. I sit out after a big disappointment. But at some point, you have to get up and walk. Just like life. You have to get in it. So that being said these are some things I'm committed to getting done by next year.
1) driver's license
2) book (yes I'm writing one) money
3) music thing (I actually do not know what to do with that yet but something has to be done)
4) missionary trip thing (YAY! I want to travel abroad again)
5) get my own car (I have to be driving my own car while I am 25)
I have to become a credible resource however. In many ways, but specifically in following through what I say I will do. I hate that people can read this. I don't want to slack off but there is a big part me that knows I may want some room in the future to slack off.
In better news, I talked to my father today (Yay?) and I had my second driving lesson (my own money) and I am bored with SIMS. Can you believe it? I'm bored! I did not think it could happen. I even played in the other neighborhoods and I was bored to death. I'm going to lay off the SIMS for a while.
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