I want to go home

I find myself wanting complete and utter rest from the world from life. Just to be with God. No problem, right? Wrong. My mind still works like the world and could not possibly enjoy the realms of heaven. My personality is of the sort that seeks to please people, when I'm supposed to be standing firm for God. I will lie to appear better in the eyes of others. I will wait for opportunity instead of chasing it down. I shut my mouth in order to appear most pleasing to people. My mouth is actually very large but people would get the idea that I'm quiet. I'm indecisive and hypocritical. I depend on the mercy of others, because I find myself not following through. Difficult situations frazzle me and I worry, but if I stop worrying things do not get done. And when I'm dependent on the mercy of others, or when a seemingly impossible task is placed before me, I find a friend in depression. This does not make sense to many, I'm sure, but just know I am flawed deeply, even to the soul and I need God to change my very personality in order for me to stand for him. Oh wretched man that I am. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.