The New Me

I want you all to know that I am now in California. Woohoo! (Background Music: Tupac's California...LOL) Well, LA...I'm in San Luis Obispo County (background Music: Country Road, Take me Home). And I will start a new blog all about my life here...soon. But before I continue...there are things that need to be said without any fascades or coverings...I am not confessing sins to you. You are not Jesus (For real!) But in order for you to know the greatness that is God, I will tell you what has happened. I suffer with issues. Most of them have to do with something sexual. I remember someone looking at me and saying, "You don't have those problems...you're a good girl." I laugh in my head when people make those assumptions. I was very young when I became sexually active. Technical Virgin I was but at the age of 6 how could you not be a technical virgin willingly.  Yeah that young. I try not to justify it by saying I was young but at some point I realized I was wrong and I continued anyway. I though I was going to grow up to be a prostitute or porn star because I just found myself falling to the same sin over and over again. Yes at the age of 8. I could not put it in those words then. But I would worry like crazy. My major open sin was lying. I lied to hide what I did sexually and other things which is the reason why I got baptized. It was a good little kid sin that I was sincerely sorrowful for but I went in the water with that guilt complex and I came back up with it. I hated that I still liked sex at the age of 10. I became self-depreciating. I mean, if you think you're going to go to hell at the age of 10, would you like yourself? Topped with teasing at school, my issues grew into a self esteem issue, which was another reason to hate myself and I still deal with those self hating issues now. So I stopped the sexual activity. But my heart wasn't changed becasue I depended on myself to change me. Which was easy because I just transferred my addiction to soap operas, fanfiction, masturbation and pornography; yes at the age of 13. I want you to know that there are times I have stopped the foolishness and I attribute it to God. But when it came back, I attributed it to myself just taking my focus off God. I refrained from mentioning this part of who I was on here because of three reasons.
1) I don't want you guys to be a confessional.
2) I feared that I would start doing all those things again.
3) I was ashamed of those things.

I am realizing now that telling you this would serve three purposes.
1) Give Glory to God
2) Keep me accountable
3) Give you my Testimony

I'm proud to say that I do not do those things anymore. I do not boast in myself. I boast in the Lord.I wish I could give you one point of conversion. It would be so much easier, but God is bringing me to a dependency on Him and it's at several points of gradual coming to the knowledge of Christ that mark my testimony of God's greatness. Right now, I'm glad I'm free and I cannot wait to access more of the abundant life God has for me!

Better

I sang that in the shower a couple of days ago. I don't remember why at the time. I remember thinking, "It's time to come back to God now." Motivation for the greatest songs. I think God wants us to desperately need Him as much as He needs us. Now you may say Jesus is not dependent upon man so he doesn't need us but I disagree. One may say that a need is defined as something you may die without. He died. Nuff said about that. I don't need Him or realize I need Him as much as He needs me. I"m tired. I would like to keep up the blog but I'm tired. Until I'm better....

Standing Still

No more facebook!!! It's the most depressing device in the world. So and so is married. This person is working. This person is going abroad! This person is making music videos! This one is going off to the army! What you doing Camil? Nothing! Diddly Sqwat! Want to cry but I'm not hurt by it. Just regretful, you know that passive crap that I do. Almost as passive as the nothing I do. Crap!!! What did I do in college? or High School? Did I get nothing to prepare for this? Crap! I feel so empty!!! I'm too old for this indecisive crap and yet I'm too young to make the proper decision. Well screw me. I'm officially saying goodbye blog. One day I'll learn to shut my mouth and focus my energy on something more positive and proactive. I can't believe how unfulfilled I feel right now. Crap.Facebook can burn because quite honestly I'm not even looking fulfilled and or ready to conquer the world. But that's going to burn anyway. I don't believe how selfish I have become. I didn't use to care about this material crap. Now that seems to be every other post. Super worldly now and yet I still have no power. Screw me, I'm going back to Jesus! At least He makes some sort of sense. Why reinvent the wheel?
I'm trapped be tween what I want to do and what I need to do.

Lord, make me better!
Bound by this fetter
lust desire and want
Frankly it's not what
I really wanted so please make me better

Oh Lord make me better
Out of the rain in to your shelter
Please just let me in
And take away this sin
it's really got me You can make me better

Eraser of the Past
Bringer of Tomorrow
You can make it last
Take away my Sorrow
You know what's in my heart
You know that it's too dark
You can bring the light and you can make me better

Where can I run
If you're not the one
What can I do
If there is no sun
Rejectors of your grace
come seeking your face
Change my life Please make me better

You can make me better
You can make me better
You can make me better
You can make me better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNhz8BMTqsk

Discipline

     I realized a long time ago that I am not that glamorous chick, even at the age of 25. I actually look my age now and I'm still not devastatingly beautiful. Oh how I wish I was but I'm not. And even though I clearly desire this, there is a part of me that is more true to who I am that knows it would not be possible. This is not low self worth or anything like that. This is the part of me that detests putting work into maintaining the glamour. Not that I would have to do much to maintain. But I know that if I do what is necessary in order for me to be glamorous, I would pull my eye sockets out trying to keep that up. I rather spend an hour in the morning studying the word of God.than beating my face of fixing my hair. Clean and neat is all that is necessary and I can rarely get that right. How full of ego do you have to be to spend that much time on glamour? I don't know, I cannot discern it fully when I see that type of personality. You know the diva type. For one thing, people who are all glammed up are usually super friendly and yet you would assume they would be snotty. Unless they are snotty and their beauty blocks out the negatives of their personality. LOL. I believe that's possible. God has blessed many people with beauty beyond comprehension. All things are possible. What is really disappointing is when I put all that work in to glam up and it never comes out like I would want it. So I spent a good amount of my time glamming up my character. To be quite honest, I give up quite easily in that area, because like with my face and body, the results of failure are quite devastating. So I do what I want neglecting the necessity of character building and the desire to glamorize my physical body in order to participate in supposed liberty which in truth is anarchy. However it is possible that I have building a character trait that I have seen strong in me in my seed-like stages and I nurtured and cared for by fostering it. The trait is giving up when I fail. I gave up on being physically beautiful because I have failed at creating and maintaining  that glamour and yet it's something I want and admire in others. I give up on perfecting character because I failed to subdue my indulgences and desires and yet I want that certainty of salvation. Now I am giving up my supposed liberty because I'm sick and tired of the disorder my life has become. So today I am ordering myself a little.  I am in the Word and I'm cleaning my face. LOL! I want an end to this conflict, in which I will just stand firm no matter how devastating the failure. Oh how I fear failure.

Forgiveness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XzneB2njv0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSXSZOzj4co&feature=related

I've always heard that it's harder to forgive then to say I'm sorry. I'm always the one to say I'm sorry so I think that puts me in a good position to forgive since I know how it feels to not be forgiven. Don't get me wrong. Forgiveness is important, but I usually feel that the person asking for forgiveness is struggling the most. In my opinion, revenge is not as strong as remorse. 

However, I've had a chance in the pass few weeks to review my feelings about forgiveness. I usually put things out of my mind and forget about them. That's my forgiveness. But as I think over a lot of these situations in which I've had to forgive, I realize that I still react in ways in which in can be inferred that I have not forgiven. Case in point, earlier this year, I met someone who hurt me and I was preparing myself to forgive. But I ended up apologizing, thinking that it would not be as offensive to him if I claim that I have done the wrong. Although, I think there is something biblical about claiming that you have done the wrong, I'm not to sure if it was right for this situation. Anyway, I've noticed that I still hurt and the feelings are not remorse or revenge. The feeling is regret. 

While I'm thinking that forgiveness is  about not getting back at the person or not getting revenge, I'm still hurting even though there is no thoughts of revenge. Regret is stronger than revenge. When the fires of revenge have died down, you're left with the ashes of regret and that is hard to put out of your mind forever.  

 I've heard that forgiveness is to hold yourself accountable for the wrong instead of the person who did the wrong. Like God punishes Jesus for the wrongs of Humanity. God is holding himself accountable for what we have done. He forgives completely. Now, if I pardon people people for what they've done to me, remove them from any guilt and accusations,  hold myself accountable and then God forgives me, then I should be completely free. 

Maybe, really deep down inside I haven't really forgiven. Maybe I've just promised to try not to get back at people. Maybe in my heart, while I'm brushing it off my shoulders mentally, I still react in rage and sadness because the hurt is still there.  Sad story. Now I must change my mind. Forgiveness is harder and more incomprehensible than apologizing. I refuse to compare them again as lightly as I have in the past. Regret is stronger than revenge and it leads to remorse. 

Steal my crown

I heard a sermon the other day, comparing Judas to Peter. Judas was politically and financially motivated and ambitious. Through the worldly eyes, he was it. He would be admired by our society today just because of his drive and motivation. But Peter just seemed to always have his foot in his mouth. He was always saying something ridiculous and he could never follow through with his claims of devotion to the Master. While Judas never made such claims, he did have business sense, as can be seen in the situation with the lady who had that alabaster box.  Judas had strong attributes that made him quite capable of betraying his master. Peter was weak and needed to be broken in order to be powerful for Christ. Why am I talking about this? It seems to me that those that go hard for God are weak and not admirable, yet powerful nonetheless. Those who go hard for the world are crazy talented. And then there are the masses in between these two groups. Now as I see it, the masses don't matter to the devil either way so even if they limp into hell, it doesn't put them in a better version of the lake of fire. They're gonna burn. But God demands a full surrender because there is no lower version of heaven. He wants it all. Now I find myself at a stage in my life where I envy that Judas personality. I lack ambition and drive. I want to make it big but I know what the devil has for me is not something I want. But I KNOW I haven't surrendered completely to God, so here I am with no ambition or drive and no humility and repentance. With a weak Peter personality, limping my butt into hell. LOL. Not funny but trying to lighten things up.  Being a part of the goyem when you have the knowledge to push you in either the Judas direction or the Peter direction, really sucks because you know things could better. All you would need is that deal with the devil or that complete surrender to God and you would be set. And yet I find myself dissatisfied with my miserable situation. My mediocrity greets me in the morning and I turnover and hide from the rest of my day. I want to go in. I want to live that Godly life of favor. I know he exists and I know He is faithful who  promised.  But I am never satisfied. I do not know if I live in the middle because I'm trying to keep my options open but I know that there are people going hard for God, giving their all to Him and I am just chilling. I don't want to go all in, because I don't want to be bought, tricked, hoodwinked. But I'm not willing to research what is the truth. I need help, lol. But I do have that nagging fear that while I'm on the sidelines slowly trying to find truth, that some person that's seeking more diligently will come in and snatch my heavenly crown. I give ya'll the right to be confused at my rambling but this is straight from the heart.

What can I do Lord?

Hello friend,

Because of you, I have decided to be more vocal, that what I have done in the past is not enough and people do not always need a soothing message for itching ears. Thank you Lord for the showers of blessings.What can I do Lord?

I wrote this memo in response to a  friend who was finding out about the SDA faith and her eyes were just opening and yes she was just proving to me that what I already knew was true. But you know what her response to me was: Why didn't you tell me? You knew all this crap and you did not tell me? 

Yes, she called me out, Don't get me wrong. There is no excuse for holding back truth. But yes, SDAs are trained to come up against opposition to their faith and yes, because of fear of rejection, there is definitely a lull in being bold personally. So my friend's accusation of silence and holding back the truth convicted me to be more vocal about my religion. Since this time, things have happened, that have actually silenced me. So I'm going to go directly into another topic right now

Next blog: Steal my crown

Beauty for Ashes

He gives beauty for ashes
strength for fear
gladness for mourning
Peace for despair
When sorrow seems to surrounds you
When suffering hangs heavy over head
Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing
God knows your needs just believe what He said
What what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings wholeness and healing
God knows your needs just believe what he said
I once was lost but God has found me
Once was blind I been set free
I been made righteous in His sight
a display of his splendor all can see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lpAuXtiyiA&feature=related

A song I sing sometimes

Gossip is a cruel mistress

When I spoke to a friend of mine about occurrences that happened and why she was displeased with me. She mentioned that I said something about her while  I was not aware of her presence. Basically I was backbiting. SMDH. And then I did it again and God put up a stop sign.

I'm telling my friend a story about the same person. I'm about to go in to detail, nothing too negative. I'm literally recounting a true story with a touch of personal opinion. But then the person I'm talking to tells me, " You know, the person you're talking about is here today."  I then have a brain wipe. What I was about to say before she interjected was erased from my memory. And now I have to reword the story so that it sounds more favorable to the person I'm talking about. The knowledge that the person I was talking about had the possibility of hearing what I was saying changed my mind and I could not recall what I was going to say. Knowing that this same person heard me before made me more aware of her hearing me this time. I cringe to think of the example I set when I talk about other people who do not make me aware of them. Lord, shut my mouth, until I remember thee.

Next blog: What can I do Lord?

Everyday is a battle...

Everyday is a battle. Every minute a struggle, every second is conflict. Lord give me the grace to love what you want me to do. Lord I need to be yours more than I am mine or anyone else's.

I do not know why I wrote this but I do know that I was really trying at this point, some may even say working, to keep God foremost. He cannot be at fault for this falling out. It is me. The reason why I am confused about what to do with....life is because I am impatient and I like to keep busy. If He was speaking to me, I was not hearing it because I was busy and I had my own agenda, my own idols to please. One characteristic I would love to change about myself... I am to malleable by everyone but the Lover of my soul. I have to take control. My will has to become my own before I give it to God. WOW!!!!
Deep!

Next blog: Gossip is a cruel mistress

let my tongue be silenced if i ever forget you

As you can see, I'm trying to get it in today. I haven't kept up with blogging, so I have a lot of back topics to cover to revisit and/or to ignore. As noted by a memo in my phone from March 19th, the title of this blog is let my tongue be silenced if i ever forget you. I was passing by a church and noticed this on the church sign as I passed by. I thought it was so profound that I took note of it. I did not know where I was going to go with it. Maybe to Zechariah who was made dumb by the angel in whom he did not believe. Or maybe I would go into how I wanted my devotion to God to be so deep that I would make that promise.
I finally looked up the phrase this morning. It comes from Psalm 137, specifically verse 6. It was a sung in Babylonian captivity. Even though they were in strange, heathen land, they wanted to keep God in their mind. The song itself acts as a reminder. I won't lie because it's not favorable in His sight. If this statement were to be true for everyone who has stated it in devotion to the Great God of Heaven, this world would be silent, I myself being the mime leader. How can you forget someone who gives reminders of Himself in His very creation? I have allowed a very insidious doubt to grow in my mind.

If you can read this, you must pray for me. God have mercy on me, a sinner.

Next blog: Everyday is a battle...

You are the most important person...

I took a medical missionary course. It was very informative and I am so glad I went.  I am not necessarily applying what I learned but I am glad I went. The teacher, Pastor Daley, informed us that in order to be certified as a medical missionary, you must fulfill some requirements. Now, I am doing some other courses too and I am sure that this course will take up a substantial amount of my time. But I know who my worst enemy is. It's not my schedule or my church or my future job/schooling or my family or my anything I can offer as an excuse as to why I could not complete the certification for the course. My worse enemy is myself and all the bad habits that go along with what I call the normal procedure. Laziness, procrastination, doubt, confusion.  I am sure I have the ability to complete all of the things I have allotted for myself to do this year. However, I find myself. pushing things back and accomplishing the bare minimum. I could say I am sad and perplexed about my situation but a lot of the time I find myself not caring. Yes you heard me right. I am in a state of indifference, which is probably worse than any Laodician mindset of ignorance. I know and don't care.  However I have a plan. This week, I study for the exam. Next Sunday, on Mother's day, the Senior Youth Leadership Course that I'm taking will be facilitating a church history exam. So this week, I plan on studying my butt off everyday at the library. Yes you heard right. I plan to change things up. Sad story is that I have many plans. That's why I find myself doing all these things, because I have plans. But the gumption to follow through? Not there. But I'm making my own gumption and devoting this week to studying for that exam. LOL. Because , like Pastor Daley said, YOU are the most important person. I got to do me. I got to fix me. This is not an impossibility. I can do this!!! I have the power to accomplish whatever I set my mind to. Church heritage is going down!!!!

Next Blog: let my tongue be silenced if i ever forget you

Flirting w/ good Intentions

I have been making notes in my phone. Their short memos with ideas for my next blog. Usually, the words refer to a specific event that sparked my interest as to something I would want to talk about.  Sometimes I can go on and on in one memo. Lately it's been one or two words. Don't get me wrong. One or two words can be great reminders as to the event and why it sparked an interest in me for internal reflection. But I should know that if I can only write one or two words about a subject than maybe, it wasn't that interesting in the first place. Case in point, the title for this blog entry is exactly what I put in my phone.

My friends and I were visiting a church event and they were talking about how flirting can be just a turn off and not too godly. And then it was mentioned that guys should back off of the flirting unless the have "good intentions". Of course at the time, my friends and I needed flirting w/ good intentions to be defined. And as I was writing the memo in my phone, I could imagine myself trying to define the good intentions in this blog. The event was over a month ago and the interest is just not there anymore, so I'm going on to my next blog entry...

Next Blog: You are the most important person...

If it's not one thing ...

It's another. And I know if I keep thinking like this, it would be more of an obligation, a duty as opposed to an act of love for God and my body. But there's no more subway. Do you know why there is no more subway? Because I only order one of two things when I go to subway: Veggie Delite sub and salad.  Now what's wrong with bread and vegetables? Nothings but the vinegar encased in the sweet, sweet, sweet, Sweet onion dressing. SMH. What wrong with vinegar? Well I wash my hair with apple cider vinegar sometimes and that leads to me often drinking it. I like sour, what can I say? Either way, the next morning after washing my hair with apple cider vinegar this one time, I woke up with a headache. Sad story. Also, vinegar can be used to clean toilets and metals because it is very corrosive. Like everything bad for you, it tastes so good. So no milk, because I'm allergic. No meat because I fear cancer. No chocolate because it produces theobromine which is similar to caffeine. No vinegar because I already have stomach problems.  But why take this all away? Because God wants me to be healthy in my body and to take care of my body temple. But if I really want to eat it, can't I just eat it? Can't God see my heart and the need to please him?  Though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet. Now to conquer this sleep thing.

Uncle Clive SMH

When I told Uncle Clive that I was pondering being a missionary, he told me that it was something that I had to really want. When he said that, I laughed to myself because it was pure garbage to me. If we were to apply that principle to life, then the idea is that we have to do stuff that we really want to do. I don't even want to go to graduate school, even though I know that would further my career and increase my skills. I don't even want to work even though I know that the Bible says a man that doesn't work doesn't eat. If we only did what we really wanted to do, to be quite honest, I don't think much of the essential things would get done. In fact, I know that if I lived according to this principle, I wouldn't do jack. Yes, I would read fanfics and eat junk food all day long. So I have to disagree with you dear uncle Clive because if I wanted to do Missionary work then I would not have the right intentions in mind. To all of us searching for the right feeling to accompany the right decision and left with nothing but the constant drive to work harder, I salute you. Because though the wrong seems oft so strong. God is the Ruler Yet. Amen!

the night of apologies

I took a medical missionary course. I felt that the night before it started I might as well clean house. Actually, I was feeling like being sinful so I texted this guy an apology for not contacting him. I sent this text at like 2 AM. Clearly my intentions were not godly. Smh. While waiting for dude's response, I decided to text my dad and apologize for not contacting him also. The plan was to save it. And I sent it, accidentally. Trust, the excitement I was feeling about receiving a response to the text that was ungodly in it's motivation, paled in comparison to the dread I felt as I realized I sent the text to my father. I checked my  sent and draft box over and over again, just to make sure that I did send it or that by some act of God, it got saved in my draft box. The ungodly text response didn't even occur. Poor dude did not even know how open I was. Serves me right trying to be ungodly. Mind you, the text I sent him was innocent at face value. Anyway, now I got to text my pops every now and then. It's a good thing I shocked my self into texting my pops. Either way, since I was in the mood of apologizing, I deciding to text people who I had wronged or had not seen in a while. One of those people were Xavia. You don't know her but let me tell you I honestly appreciate her presence in my life, and as weird as she seems sometimes to me, it makes me feel welcome because I see myself as being just as weird. And sometimes I compare myself to her, which is not so good and I need to stop. So I apologized for hurting her and not contacting her. Not knowing that I would see her the next day. smh. If I had known she would have signed up for the same medical missionary course, I would not have sent that text but the next day we spoke and I was glad. Things were clarified and although I am a little sad to know that she won't be around much, I'm glad we talked. God blocked my lustful thoughts with a text to my pops and He prepared me to meet someone who I hadn't spoken to in a while with a text. God is good. I find myself apologizing but there is someone I must forgive. I was talking to my friend tonight about my ex and I thought I forgave him, but I was still angry. I don't know how but God is still good and He will help me. Even if it means to give up my dislike of the idea of us getting back together. so hard but I must.

I've been blogging

On the memo app of my phone. I know that is not necessarily true to the art form of blogging but I've been to busy to sign in and do it so I'm making up for lost time and looking through my memos to sees what I can write about. next blog coming in less than an hour...

inspiration to write

So I haven't been writing for a while and I am not really moved to write forever. There are no ideas or wellspring from which I can draw the dynamic lines that would make up a best seller, but I do know that there is enough screwed up things in my life to motivate me to write. I have not spoken to my father in months and I am indifferent to an extent. My mother is not pleased with how I live my life and I am indifferent to an extent. My job opportunity that I have pursued for some time has rejected me and ( can you guess?) I am indifferent to an extent. With enough of those things, you think that the emotional pull to write would have come knocking by now. But my need to write comes from the day I spent face all of those things. I just told my aunt, the retired teacher, that the teaching program did not accept me, my mother is bugging me about speaking to my father and my father just called to speak to my brother. LOL. I felt this strong need to succeed in a more artistic field, gain notoriety and tell my father off. LOL. It was brilliant. But I truly wish I was at peace. Not now though because life is to busy and exciting ad you keep busy so you don't think about things like this. In a week I will confront all these things. ok a week and a half.

Overwhelmed

No safety, no shore in sight,
I'm a far way from where I first saw the light.
Far pass the buoys reminding me of safe retreat.
In no man  waters and I'm in way too deep
Nowhere to run to baby and I can't swim
Nowhere to hide in this misery I'm sinking
The air is so heavy, so thick with burden
So deep inside in my my heart where it's hurting
I wanna be free, deep air breathing
and yet I'm scared to think that ultimate freedom comes when I stop breathing
In Strength
Out Relief
Inhale Saving Grace
Exhale Peace
Toes, Knees, Shoulders, Head
Inhale deep.Underwater No way out or Up ahead
The misery is when you can't see any end in sight
Through the surface you can only see a dim light

Are you serious?

Please be honest with yourselves and really evaluate the situation. Don't use me and pretend it's because I'm special. I hate working in ministry. I really do. I always feel manipulated and lied to. I never say no. I'm a people pleaser so I never say no. I always end up feeling as if there would be something better that I can do. I always have to be trained and at this point in my life, I don't want to be trained. I want to know what I'm doing already. I don't want to have a head position where someone will have to tell me what to do. What kind of head position is that? You might as well give me one of those support positions instead, where you must tell me what to do. Why can't people really see this is not it for me? I always feel used. And then I feel bad when I let people down. Get it through your heads! I'm good at what I volunteer to do. Like most people, I want to like what I do. I have a feeling that at the end of the year I'm going to really hate a certain group of people. You must pray for me.