Getting my ...stuff together

 I'm one step away from losing all appearances. It's not pretense, nor is it intentional hypocrisy. I keep it up so that they that adore, admire and criticize can grasp on to that saving grace and find favor in the eyes of God. But if given the opportunity, I am hopeless. I spent 25 years of my life hoping that at some point God will snap his fingers, like magic and I'll be changed. Just to realize that it is my own discipline that will change me. What happened to the moving of the Holy Spirit? What happened to the transforming power of God? Through out my life, the responsibility for my perfection has swung like a pendulum, between me and God. I know that I have to put effort in. I know only He has the power to change me.  But I'm so inclined at this point in time to believe that my discipline is completely necessary. The pendulum's in my court and I've found myself wanting. I'm so settled in my ways :( and so many psychology classes have taught me that my personality by this age is set. And I am so undisciplined. Or inconsistent.  I will go through short bursts of discipline and then longer bursts of foolishness, and like the demons of Matthew 12, they seem to come back stronger than before. God save me. My resolutions, promises and  blogs are like ropes of sand. Pursue God until he answers. Scream and cry until he cares. But just as much as my promises mean diddlee, my intentions and decisions are squat. Romans 7, the schizo part, is my cry.  I don't won't to cry to the heavens, and yet I want to. I want to keep my promises, yet I break them. I suck thoroughly and I need Him to initiate. This whole week, He reminded me through random conversations with people to pray, ask and beg, to interact with my spirituality, to aggravate God until He answers. Trust me! I want to and yet I don't. God save me!