On the matter of Sleep...

I want to sleep early and wake up early. I realize it affects my witness when I do not sleep on time. But I made an effort today. And then my sister calls, pushing off my exercise by an hour. Then my Father calls pushing off my sleep for an hour. The sad thing is that I let it! Without even thinking about how my witness would be affected, without even thinking that the enemy might be behind this, without even thinking about how my body would react to the lack of sleep, I let it! And now I have to cut my blog short because I refuse to let it happen anymore. Good night!

Blank Slate Syndrome

My friend tells me, in reference to her college life, " I'm the worst Waldenses." LOL. The Waldenses used to use their interactions at school as a way to spread the gospel. I laughed as she said it because I could see the same thing in my life.
While I was on the bus reading the Bible, a man asked me, "Who is Jesus?"  I thought he was joking and eventually he tells me that he knows who Jesus is but he wanted to test me as to what my answer would be. LOL. I failed. I realized that I have nothing to say. My father always speaks in opposition to my religion and I again have nothing too say. My brother gives me a book and I again have nothing to say. If I were a Waldens, I would never be in danger of persecution because I would have nothing to say. It's like I know what is true but I say nothing. I listen to everyone's point of view and I hope that  I do not get influenced but I say nothing at all. I'm reading Great Controversy and I need a dictionary. Not that I feel dumb, but out of touch. My brother, father, Ellen White and the dude on the bus are all up to date and I am obsolete. But's it's more than that!
Not just that I'm obsolete but I'm satisfied being open minded and all, but I have to stop myself from taking it in. Because just as I am open minded, I am just as easily influenced. Someone says the the idea behind being deceived is that you do not know you are being deceived. So I'm studying the Bible and I pray that God will reveal truth to me and give me the strength to stand only on truth.
Part of being open minded and easily influenced is that I care what others think about me. But I just realized something today that is profound. The image that I portray is perceived very differently in the world. People already think things about me that I have not explicitly shown about myself.
I spent a good portion of my life trying to prove to the males in my family that I am not like my mother just to find out that they already categorize me with my mother. Not that I dislike my mother, just the way that she is perceived by the males in my family. Before I even talk, I've already been sized up. Half the time, I believe I shouldn't talk at all. It's already assumed what I would say, and I still try to fight the assumptions. God show me truth to stand upon. Help me to only stand on your truth and not on what image of myself I want to be perceived or is actually perceived. Humble me. Help me not to care what others think of me and to only care what you think of me above all else.

Calling All Risktakers

I recently prayed a prayer. It went, " Lord, reveal to me how I must witness."  Like I have previously stated, I have a burden for souls but no courage or direction. Now, it is important that I tell the events that lead up to the answer of this prayer the day after I prayed this prayer. It was a Saturday night and I had just heard a sermon about how the revival of primitive godliness is needed. I was convicted that I completely lacked in the witnessing area. So I wanted God to show me how and in what way I should witness. About 2 weeks before that, I read that the home religion is very important and that we should first witness to those in the home. Continuously, I had been praying that God would help me to show love to my brothers. Now, my diabetic aunt would pass through my mind, but my mind would quickly breeze pass her. Interestingly enough, I would do things for my aunt and I would mentally pat myself on the shoulder, as if I had done something great.  But to the extent that I would pray that I would love her? More? No that was too much for me. Unfortunately, I was too blind to see what God was trying to say to me. So back to the day after I prayed the prayer. My mother, my aunt and I came home from a walk. My aunt was speaking gibberish and I could not understand her so I left the situation for my mother to deal with. I'm afraid that if you thought of me as being more caring, this story will only further disappoint you. Later, she goes upstairs and lies down in my mother's bedroom. She has NEVER done that before and I was shocked to see her lying there. Apparently, she thought it was her room and she adamantly argued that point. Finally, my mother convinced her to go to her room. Later, that evening while explaining the situation to other family members, it became apparent to me that someone needs to take care of her. And then it was like a light bulb. It was like God saying, " This is the way; walk ye in it." I said "wow" out loud. But my mind processed what was happening and responded, " But I already do more things for her than other people that live in my house. " Not even finished thinking that, God clearly says it's not enough, like there is more required of me, like if Jesus gave up all, why can't I give up all? And out loud I had to say, " Alright, I'll do it!" Now, I must say that I am not always willing and able. Some times I wake up late. Sometimes I do not want to be bothered and I let her have some autonomy. Sometimes, I get frustrated when things do not go my way. Like last Wednesday, my aunt ate a random piece of gum and I was so on the verge of giving up on her. My mother was telling me that this situation is teaching me patience but I was so frustrated that I did not want to hear that. It sounds more wonderful and spiritually insightful now that I am not so frustrated. But I digress. I am not perfect and I screw up at times. But God is good and He is working on me and through me. But what if I had said no to God and decided not to take care of my aunt? I do not what would have happened but I do know that knowing that God is taking care of me is assuring. I do worry and ponder about the future sometimes but I want God to be in control. Right now, I am presented with a book that would cause me to doubt my faith but I'm trusting God as I read. I've also been presented with an idea for a teen bible study, which I have been thinking about for a while and to have it confirmed by someone else is amazing. I've also been presented with time to indulge in Bible Study. I intend to grab it by the horns and run. Giving your dreams, hopes, cares, wants, burdens, etc. to God is amazing, terrifying, difficult and freeing all at the same time. Just like any risk, there is some trepidation for those who are not risktakers but God is calling all of us to be risk takers who live all of their lives for Him.Take the plunge.

Goodie Two Shoes

When I was younger, I was the one in my group of friends who never knew the whole story. Why? Because of fear that there were bits of the story that were just to bad for my ears to hear. So out of perservation of my purity and fear that I would tell someone older, I never knew the whole story. I hated being the odd one out of everything and how no one wanted to tell me what was really going. But I understood why because I had an image. My personality also went along with that image. I was the one that tried to bring WWJD into the situation and honestly I wanted to please and love Jesus. But when I was younger I wanted to do it because it was the right thing to do. Now I want to do it because it is the only way to productively live my life. One of my younger friends unfriended me on facebook. When I asked her why, she said it was because she was doing some bad things on facebook and didn't want her mother to know. Now, honestly, I admire this girl because she is at the ripe age for a perm and yet she has not permed her hair, she wants to model and while that does show a lot of pride, it also shows that she likes the way she looks even though she is dark-skinned. I used to tutor her a few years back so I know she has the attitude of her age group....stink! But still I like the fact that she is real. This unfriending thing is one of the least realest things she has done toward me. But yet it is too real. So I sat her down today and I basically told her that while it hurt me that I was not her friend on facebook (which to me showed the underlying truth that we weren't really true friends), but if it was sin she was hiding from her mom, she shouldn't worry about unfriending me but she should worry about her relationship with God. She basically tells me she hates me. That hurt too. But I came home and I read: "So do all who cherish evil under a profession of godliness hate those who disturb their peace by condemning their course of sin.When a favorable opportunity is presented, they will, like Judas, betray those who for their good have sought to reprove them....They could not long remain in connection with those who were, in habit and disposition, constant representatives of Christ; and as trials and persecution came upon His followers, those only who were willing to forsake all for the truth's sake desired to become His disciples. " GC, 44. I am encouraged by reading that and now I know that our connection/facebook friendship had to break. I love her but if my christian witness (I have a witness!) stands as a disturbance to her peace, what can I do? But if you're going to hide some evil lifestyle, why profess godliness? Why fake being God's when you can truly celebrate your so called "freedom" and live it up in the world without the restraint of a powerless christian persona? I was contemplating not going to my church anymore because I was so hurt by the situation. Then I found a friend and we started having a good conversation. While I'm talking to her, this dude calls us Bible feens (msp?) . My question to the church is aren't we all supposed to be Bible feens? Shouldn't you be worried if you are a christian who does not like the Bible? I embrace my goodie two shoes because if it gives me the right to be call a representative of Christ, then so be it. Amen.
Next: Calling All Risk Takers

My family

"Parents, you should commence to discipline the minds of your children while they are young, to the end that they may be Christians. . . . Beware how you lull them to sleep over the pit of destruction, with the mistaken thought that they are not old enough to be accountable, not old enough to repent of their sins and profess Christ.Children of eight, ten, or twelve years are old enough to be addressed on the subject of personal religion. Do not teach your children with reference to some future period when they shall be old enough to repent and believe the truth. If properly instructed, very young children may have correct views of their state as sinners and of the way of salvation through Christ."  -Something EGW said from somewhere. LOL

I would like my children to be presented with everything pertaining to salvation to the point where they could be able to teach the Bible, rightly dividing the word of truth. Now this, I believe is a dream fostering my hope in God. So therefore I have no problem dreaming it. A reason that I believe that this a dream fostering a hope in God is that it is very hard for me to ponder this dream for long periods of time. LOL, meaning that I am not obsessing over it and it does not take precedence over what God may want for me. Another reason why I believe that I cannot ponder this dream for long periods of time is my lack of knowledge on the topic of raising children. Through my lack of Bible study, I feel ill-prepared, at this moment, to raise children that would be christian examples to the world. Another reason why the dream is super hard for me to ponder for long periods of time is because I have not had a good example. What I want to do with my children, to my knowledge, has not been clearly presented to me. I feel improperly prepared because my family situation growing up to the present time has not been the best.
Now do not get me wrong. I believe that children are a very big part of why we should get married. One of the first commands given to mankind was to be fruitful and multiply. However, I believe the foundation of a good family life is a good marriage between God, the man and the woman. With a good foundation, the children will be able to learn the basics in how to treat their fellow human beings and how to treat God. The reason why I write about this is because my brothers and I , coming from a dysfunctional family, like to think of ourselves as well off. When my Aunty Esther used to complain about us, we used brag about how we weren't like other children on the streets who do drugs, who sell drugs, who gang bang, etc. We made okay grades, and in comparison to our peers, we would excel and succeed. However, there are deeper problems. I can see that my brothers do not know how to treat me as a female. I do not know how to treat them as men, in fact I bad talk men every chance I get, although this is something I am trying to stop. We do not pray together or worship together. There is so much spiritual confusion among us three that we each have our own religion and to be quite honest none of them entirely fit into Seventh Day Advent ism or Christianity. We each honestly believe that the other does not have life right and yet we would do the bare minimum to help the other. Because we respect the individuality of the other person. We live independently from each other and soon we will carve our own paths in the world and plant families of our own and if God does not intervene, the next generation will be the same. God, save my children

Men: Outlets for Hope

I had a dream this morning in which a male friend of mine admitted his feelings for me. I, of course, kissed him ( not in that order) but while the dream was nice, it was disturbing and for this to be the first dream in a while that I remember when I wake, I was troubled by it. I have never pictured this male in this way. I believe this dream is a fleshy kind and speaks strongly of my carnal nature. While nothing bad really happened, I have recently been training my self to not ponder the future especially when it comes to men. I tend to put my hopes in these dreams and fantasies and while they are not bad, pondering these things strengthen my hope and trust in these events occurring for real. But the Bible says

 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,

And whose hope is the LORD.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8

So I find that this dream is just fostering something else for me to hope in. There are things that  I have decided to forego because I know certain men in, which my mind has fostered hope in, will be a motivation. I do not want that to be my motivation so I pray that my motivation is only to please God and not myself. Which is why I forego. For example, I have decided not to take the medical missionary 10 day course because I am sure some man will be there and now I have to forego something else because the guy in my dream will be there. Sad story! My motivation was so far from putting my hope in a future with this guy  but that dream has changed the motivation  a teensy tiny bit. LOL. I am not going to forego these events. Unless the hope still shows itself to be reinforced as time progresses but I believe if I pray for God to help me to abide in him and not to foster hope in these men, I'm sure He will do it. Another reason to pray is also for those who have fostered hope in me. I believe I have been acting in a mean way towards a guy so hopes will not be fostered. The big problem is that I don't remember praying about the situation and without even trying I just got  an attitude with dude for no reason. Funny thing is that I did not even notice it until he told me that I was having an attitude with him. The real funny thing is that a lot of that meanness is who I am. Only after coming off the phone with him did I finally put all the pieces together. My  automatic reaction was just to be mean. Now if I had prayed about it, I could have treated the situation differently but without prayer, I was left to rely on my mean habits and attitude. This is what I have deduced: Never stop praying 1 Thess. 5:17 because there will always be other outlets for your hope. Abide in Jesus, the only hope.

A New Horizon

I am indeed confirmed in what I do believe and while I do not know everything, I am persuaded to believe that He hears my prayers and He answers them. I am too far into this to give up because of the words of even a greatly esteemed relative. I find in Jesus courage and comfort. I will not give in to the temptation to be anxious or to fear. For God is more than able to keep me. I just have to take everything to God in prayer. My brother presented me with a book about Sabbath, tithing and circumcision not needing to be applied. Of course, I promised my brother I would look at the book. Sad thing is that I approached the book with apprehension and fear. I do not want to be shaken but if I stand on Jesus I cannot be shaken. Last night, in a ride home, I told fellow church members that my brother does not consider himself to be a Seventh Day Adventist. While I am not completely sure about this as a fact, he implied it in an email. My father has told us our entire lives to not call our selves SDA . So this should be nothing new, right? It turns out that last night was the first time I voiced that my brother may not be SDA. I walked in the house wondering if I should have said this and if it gave his argument power to actually voice it out loud. I wondered if I should have told those people in the car the problem, because of local church problems and then this incredible sadness came over me. I was tired and just so sad. I did not understand why. I wanted to cry but I was too tired. then I prayed and I felt better. My mother told me to bathe (contrast shower) because I was out in the rain, so I decided to exercise and fold the clothes in the dryer. Then I bathed and went to sleep. After all of this I felt better. Before I went to sleep, I read about Joshua and the angel and Joshua ( earlier Joshua) and Achan. How we need the righteousness of Christ and how we should readily confess our sins, seeking earnestly to get rid of the sins in our lives, as a collective. Then I went to sleep. I woke up this morning and today I listened to  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs3g0JDYh5U

Walter Veith, I Hear the Rumbling, 5-16-2011

and I was encouraged. I have always seen proof as to what I believe in the actions of the enemy. If the Seventh Day Sabbath is not important, why is there any power in the world that wants to enforce Sunday observance? If there will be no National Sunday law then why are there great powers pushing for legislature that set Sunday aside as a work-free family day ? That is how I've always been. So this video encouraged me greatly. But to be quite honest, I would like to get to  the point where I do not need to see the reaction of the enemy but I can believe just based on the fact that Jesus has lead me. Where the Bible can be my only foundation. Don't get me wrong. I believe God uses the actions of the enemy to better prepare his people. But oh how powerful the testimony of the believers will be when it is the Holy Spirit that is leading and not the emotions that move some after great disasters or the emotions of shock when the pope does something the Bible already said the pope would do. I seek Him completely in this new horizon.