Happy Belated Birthday.

On October 18th, 1986, I came into a world I did not want to be born into but the doctor refused to allow me the benefit of more time in the unmovable womb of my mother, the womb that would not open any further to allow my large head to come forth. So I was ripped out with the precision of a scalpel, removed from the body of my unconscious mother, 9 pounds, 9 ounces. No arms to hold me with joy, but the cleansing of nurses and sterilized hospital materials. I think I cried but it's possible I was unconscious. Whisked away to a nursery, I waited for my welcome. My aunt and father stood side by side in front of the window to the nursery. Side by side, I lay next to a baby whose skin was many shades lighter. My aunt hoped I was my lighter friend and said the words out loud, not knowing that my darker father heard her and hated her for politicizing my birth.

Since that day, I've been compelled to do things I did not want to do, pushed to do things I feared. And then I was judged for what they wanted and expected, not for what I was or would be. So I do, always fearing I'll be judged. I serve to be chilled by criticism. I work waiting for the day I live free of the fear to be myself. I wait for the feeling of fearlessness but work, depending on the promise.


"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Rom. 8:1

My Selfish Gospel

"When men take themselves out of social life, away from the sphere of Christian duty and cross bearing; when they cease to work earnestly for the Master, who worked earnestly for them, they lose the subject matter of prayer and have no incentive to devotion. Their prayers become personal and selfish." Steps to Christ, p. 101

I was reading an interesting quote from Steps to Christ to my mother, and my brother walked in the room. As I read, he excused himself to go back to what he was doing downstairs. As he did this, I realized how selfish I was in not opening up the invitation for my brother to join us upstairs, as we studied. I asked my mother if she would invite Biko to join us. She says that the invitation is always open. I called Biko because conscience was bothering me. How?

Earlier this summer, I talked about witnessing to my aunt who lives in my home, by serving her in every way I can. And yet we haven't prayed in the family circle since I'm been back. My driving instructor probably has the wrong idea about me because I hide my religion. My friend was just talking to me this week about a group in her church who only likes to deal with spiritual people, and I agreed with her that they seemed exclusive and self righteous. 

But look at me! Am I any better? I want to study the Bible with teens who know some of the basics. But what about people who never entered the church and don't have idea about the eternal reality? This has brought me to the conclusion that I am selfish with my religion. Problem is if I really believed Jesus was coming soon, would I be so selfish? If the people of God have to reflect Christ (2 Peter 2:21-25) in order for them to have eternal life, shouldn't I be more like Jesus and spread his gospel? It's time to integrate!

So here I am up waiting for my brother to join me so we can study. I refuse to go to sleep until we finish. He said he will come up when he is ready. I believe that he does not enjoy the word of God because if I was his girlfriend, he'd already be up here. But in the urgency of the time, I think we should study God's word. 

"...what we have been years learning, they will have to learn in a few months..."

Let me know

I don't know if you noticed but I like your company but I want you to know that I feel that our relationship has taken an uncomfortable turn and I would like to know your intentions. Do not get me wrong. I like flattery and compliments but it feeds my pride and I want to be humble. So by entertaining you, will you or I be hurt in anyway? I can see how this can and is hurting me. But what about you? Are you knowingly or unknowingly hurting me? Are trying to build up self esteem? Are you enjoying creating this feeling of betrayal, appealing to my sensual nature? Are you in fact burdened by my presence to the point that you must mention something out loud? In the future, can we brush this over as if it never happened? I know this means nothing much to you but to me it can mean a lot more . So tell me the truth: are you the devil, or an intentional bystander? Now I don't know how to fix this so we could have one of those relationships that would better me in the way I need to be bettered but if you have any ideas, let me know .

On the Brink of Visions and Dreams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obIT-By1VOU

My co-worker was passing out Iced Tea, so that she could use the bottles for a ships-in-a-bottle idea she has for Columbus Day. You know the kind with natural caffeine in them (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffeine). Either way, I rejected her ice tea but told her I would definitely pass it on to my brothers. So she gave me one and I passed it on to my brother, who gladly accepted it. The reason I do not consume caffeine (that I know of), is because it stimulates the nervous system to alertness, which sound great for the drowsy. However, one has to disturb the natural reaction of the body to lack of sleep. And disturbing the bodies natural process is not something I really want to participate in. After telling her that I would not drink the ice tea, I went out and bought junk food. Can you say contradiction? Now these are things that I know to be unhealthy for me. Sweets and salts. But I bargained with myself, saying that it was healthier junk food then most.  But then I realized that I would have to let that go at some point, the buying of junk food.

Recently, it's becoming clearer to me that what God wants from me is not acceptable in the eyes of the world or even favorable to me.  I was talking to my co worker today on the train ride home about how much we neglect certain spiritual insights because they may require too much change. She smiled and talked about how people back in the day, prophets of old and modern day movements were always praying. All day. All night. People did not just start having visions and prophesying. It was based on a deep connection with God. She also stated that now we do not want to go through the trouble of making that deep connection with God real in our lives. Too true. But I think we are turning a new leaf. I want to give God the most glory for the sake of my posterity but I realized that God wants to save me too.

http://books.google.com/books?id=4JQ6NlYRTN4C&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false
When first confronted with the idea of a loving God, in the face of his sinfulness, Roger J. Morneau, like the prodigal son, sought to be a servant of God that would bring others to the truth, but in the end not be saved himself. Is it possible that I myself thought this way, that in trying to prepare myself to train children in the way that leads to salvation that I too was seeking to atone for my sinful life through servanthood? I do not know if I would go that far. But I realized that I want my life to drastically change in the future for children that  may or may not happen. But what about the me that exists now? I think God is revealing to me that my life can change now. That I can be a daughter of God...Now and not just a servant. So what is stopping me from that deeper connection, that so many others have had in the past, that leads to such an outpouring of the Holy Spirit?

At times when I am studying or praying or reading or just thinking, I am thoroughly excited about the ways God can use me or will use me. But most of the time, I find myself terrified about how weird I will look to others. The opinions of others matter so much to me, it's sad actually. We're on the brink of visions and dreams and I'm worried about looking weird. God is calling me to something deeper. Sometimes it's so close that I feel excitement. Of course these are just feelings which are not to be trusted, and what is more telling of their trustworthiness than the fact that at the thought that God is going to truly manifest Himself in my life, a part of me is excited and the other part is terrified of the judgments of men. Clearly, self is manifested in those feelings, because I cannot sense any humility in me. But I am sure a change will occur in me. It has to. It must.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Kymk9f2TNQ&feature=related

I won't be long

I spent my time today at my job in the preschool.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y8zP34AhuU&feature=related
This song was the theme of the day. I pondered in school about my future career/job as a teacher, specifically in reference to http://www.nycteachingfellows.org/browsernotsupported.html. I want it but I know it's not the end or goal of my life. I'm afraid if I get caught up in that failed system, I will be stuck in it because I am not of the frame of mind to want to leave stability. I really want that stability but I know my aim is much higher. I also know that the aim's pursuit may not be understood by everyone. I was speaking to my sister yesterday and when she heard that I had gotten called back by the job to substitute, she was so happy because God was "opening doors" for me. I laughed inside because there is a longing inside me for God to open up a different kind of door to a whole other life that I may not be ready for. I was speaking to my father today and he asked me when I was going to get something more permanent. He said that the best for me would be a full time teaching position. I responded by saying that it isn't the best for me. I spoke to my cousin about how I would not let my kids watch Aladdin because it glorified a thief and I sensed that it was just too much for her.  I realized that at some point I'm going to look absolutely crazy in front of my relatives and friends. I realized that my life will run against the grain and my state of mind, the way it is now will not be able to handle that. I have to be changed in order for me to stand up for what I believe in. Two cents

10/01/11 Pray

So I haven't come up with a title as yet, but I decided to type this before I pray and hopefully I will be praying as I write this also. I want to fast tomorrow also. As I continue, you will see why this is necessary. So as you probably know, since today was Sabbath, I worked. LOL. Can you say contradiction? LOL.

 I was most frustrated today and I would have to say it started with this morning and the lack of prayer towards God. Last night I had put a sermon on the comp that I wanted to watch but I did not watch it so I figured I would have time to watch it as soon as I get up this morning. And I did, as I was getting dressed for the day but no prayer. No reading of the Bible. I put that off until I was sitting in the car. Oh but as I reach the car I realize I have to make calls for Mommy and practice the song that I would be singing later that evening. So still no prayer.

As I enter the church, I go downstairs to teach Sabbath school. I think it is safe to say that if they benefited from my teaching, it was the work of the Holy Spirit and not me because I rushed in there and I rushed back out to do Welcome for another program going on. As I was coming down from doing my part in the program, a lady told me I needed to stop playing when I go in front of the congregation. Now that made me mad because she knows who I am and I know who I am and if she figured telling me to stop playing would change how I act then apparently she does not know who I am. I vowed not to do the Welcome anymore.

So I went back downstairs and finished teaching the class. Praise team practice was already underway so I just joined them. As we were practicing, we are told that service upstairs has already begun. Of course it has, WITHOUT A PRAISE TEAM. And being that I had to usher, the leading usher that day was mad because I was not up stairs ushering. So I went upstairs, and ushered and then when the praise team went up front, I sang with them and then I went back to ushering. Then the church that was empty became full and my ushering abilities were put to use. The sermon was good. Elder Alton Stewart did a great job. I even recognized some of his quotes from a chapter of great controversy that I read this week so I know that I would have connected with the sermon more if I had been more spiritually focused.  I decided that I was not going to usher anymore.

After service, I rushed downstairs to eat. Then I was called into a praise team rehearsal. Then I ate some more and rushed upstairs to a choir rehearsal that was supposed to begin at 2:30 but had not even started at 2:40. We finally started at 3:00. As I practiced, with the choir I realized that the same things I had problems with in the choir were not changing. So I decided to email Ralph when I got home. When rehearsal was done, I rushed downstairs to start the Bible study. As soon as I get downstairs, they want me to come up to practice the play, the play I spent at least 2 hours of my life rehearsing the night before. So I wrapped up a part of the Bible Study by giving the floor to some older guys to free converse and pick topics for us to study.

So I go and rehearse the play and I come back down. And now Sis. Thompson wants to give me something to do next Sabbath for AY. I thought God was clearing up my schedule for next week Sabbath so I could spend my Sabbath doing something new that I have never done before on a Sabbath when in actuality he was giving me a choice. I chose to move my free Sabbath to the end of the month.

 So we did the play for AY and I rushed to New Life to sing. Instead of spending the car ride there practicing the song I was going to sing, I spent the car ride planning my email to Ralph. Then I went to sing a song I did not have to practice so much. I do not know if it was because of how little was demanding of me by singing the song or how much I delighted in performing but it was one of the most pleasant parts of the day. Then I was whisked away to drop Nicole home and then to see my cousins by my Aunty's house. This is where I got scolded for mocking my Aunt. I repeated her statement towards my cousin. I cried, in my solitary place but I do not like offending people or being wrong. or people judging me and seeing me as wrong. My aunt brought up the fact that I go to church all the time and I preach all the time. Yeah I cried. How the hell am I supposed to feel? Maybe I would have felt better if I had prayed. Maybe I would never had said what I said if I had prayed that morning.

When my aunt was dropping my mother and I home, I noticed that the car was not in the driveway and I assumed that  my brother drove somewhere with my things in the back seat, including tickets to a banquet that I'm supposed to give out.  I was in the frame of mind to justify my self and my frustration that was running high all day. So when I saw Biko at the computer, I was shocked. But I nicely asked for the keys to the car and my mother more forcefully asked for him to move the car. He promised to move the car, but the funny thing was I asked for the keys so I could get my stuff from the car. I honestly did not care if he moved it or not. So I more forcefully asked for the keys. He huffs out the house in anger.

I go outside and sit in the car, realizing that all my reactions that day came from a lack of communication with God. Then I started to doubt. As my brother was headed out to pick up my other brother, I sat in the back seat and compared my brother's carefree life with my worry. I compared my other brother's controlled life with my disarray and I cried. I cried because I knew this path in my life was the only life for me, that I had nothing to fall back on. But I know the reason why I felt the way I felt today. I failed to pray, to read the word of God, to trust Him. I depended completely on myself and cried at how useless my day was. It seems as if the things I really wanted to do was put in the backseat to the things people wanted me to do for them. But I could have changed my reactions and my emotional reality by praying to God and pleading with Him for strength for the day. Yesterday's lesson was not learned. Today was a sad day. But Tomorrow is clean with no mistakes in it yet. LOL.

Job 23 12

So last night, I had a late driving lesson that ended near 1 AM . Then I went back out to pick up my brother. I landed back inside my house minutes to three and in my bed after three trying to read the 18th chapter of the Great Controversy. Long story short, I woke up this morning mad early and made breakfast for my aunt and then I came back to bed to "read". LOL. I knew I was going to sleep but I did make an effort to read something. So yeah, I came back to bed around 9 AM and woke up at 12. LOL. I tried to read some more but then I went to help my aunt with her mail. After that, I went downstairs and prepared lunch for my aunt and washed the dishes. Then I went to the computer to read the same 18th chapter of Great Controversy that I have been trying to read since the night before, but I edited my blog. But I wanted to cook something to eat for tomorrow so I put on a sermon to keep my mind stayed on God while I cooked. My nieces and nephews stopped by for a visit and I did not even finish listening to my sermon. Then I had to go rehearse for a play we are doing tomorrow evening. Long story short, I've been chasing God down all day, and it all started when I decided I was entitled to nap because of the time I went to bed last night. Come to find out I'm not entitled to anything that denies me of God. Including myself. Reminds me of my friend, Hanif's video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bml-Z_CB8kQ&feature=related

I starved today. Lesson : Catch your manna early in the morning. It's more valuable than food and, yes, sleep.