Part 2

Bigger problem. When do I get close enough to God so that I can start praying for other people?
 When we receive Christ, we are justified: just as if I had never sinned. Whose righteousness can we claim? Only the righteousness of Jesus. Now, when we receive Christ do we have a strong relationship with God? Interestingly enough, I must say...YES. Finitely in our own minds, as babes is Christ the relationship with Christ is weak, and quite honestly, we probably do not know enough about God . But a babe in Christ is far wiser than many people. Just receiving Christ puts us on a different playing field than everyone else because we now have access to the Father (GOD).  Not trying to explain the trinity here but receiving Christ is receiving not just any relationship with God but Jesus' relationship with His Father. In case you do not know, Jesus and His Father are one, and there is no closer relationship than that. Based on that, I must declare that my earthly Father's way of describing what state we must be in to intercede on behalf of someone else before God is  flawed. Quite honestly, I feel he makes statements up like this to trip people up. Because the statement is right. Only people with a close relationship with God can pray for other people. What he's trying to say is that only people with a relationship with God can pray for other people and get answers. Further elaborations, if you go against God's will, you're not in a relationship with Him. But, where sin abounds, grace abounds more. And I know for a fact God rains good and bad on both the good and bad. Either way, I must say, there can be nothing wrong with any random person praying for any other random person. Why? God likes when we pray. If you're sincere God will lead you into all truth. Just pray.

Karen Kingsbury has a way with words

     " She hated when her thoughts went this way. Her stomach hurt and her heart beat faster than usual. Every breath felt tighter than the one before it. Because this was her very deep, dark secret - the thing no one knew about her. 
     Andi Ellison had doubts now. Her perfect faith in God was riddled with subtle cracks and shifts."  
-Karen Kingsbury, Take One, p.54


I'm reading this Christian fiction book and the spiritual life of one of the characters is being described. Andi Ellison grew up on the mission fields of Indonesia and has always been known as a stalwart Christian. But her closest friend which she made since coming back to the States died and now she has doubts in God. The reason why I am mentioning this is because I find myself in this situation. I can relate to this character in so many ways it's not even funny. Now, I can't pinpoint one major event that has led me to these doubts. In fact, if I must be frank, these doubts have always been with me. But never have they been as strong as they are now.
Kingsbury uses the imagery of a snake shedding it's skin to describe Andi Ellison spiritual struggle.

     "...like the faith that had clothed her all these years was dried up and old. Like it didn't fit anymore.  She could almost feel herself making her way free of it, ready to move on with a sleek new exterior of her own design."
    
     In Korea, I could imagine myself living a more glamorous life when I came back to the states. Yeah, I looked very Vogue. I pictured myself not attending church anymore for the romantic reason of getting closer to the Jesus and making sure I was saved on a personal level. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe there is anything wrong with that, but I know that if I stop attending church, it would not be to get closer to God. Of course, there is a part of me that really just wants to get closer to God. But there is another part of me that cannot stand setting up that false pretense of being right, and would rather just be real. Speaking of being real, this is how Kingsbury describes the struggle between the perceived image of the character and the character's true feelings:

     " The feeling was one more thing she couldn't tell anyone. She was Andi Ellison, missionary kid, after all. Everyone expected her to be the perfect Christian, the girl with the unwavering faith. No one could have guessed how she was really feeling." p. 55


     When, I read this, I thought about how I felt when I was telling my mother about my struggle. Not only did  not understand my struggle but she saw me differently. Most importantly, I did not want my struggle to affect someone else's spiritual walk. I know Jesus is the right way. Just because I'm struggling does not mean  you should be influenced to question. What you do to please God, I do not want to interfere with. But when you have influence, you have the capability to sway what others may perceive God to be. And I do not want to sway anyone else with my doubts. But what a hypocrite I am if I can't be real. It's so strange, this position I find myself in.

     "When it came to matters of faith, the dialogue came so easily she might as well have been reading a script. No matter how she was feeling inside."p.60


I remember one time listening to a sermon by a friend. He mentioned that a lot of us try not to be Christians but we can't front because of little things that have a presence in our lives that give us away. Like the devotional on our bedside table or the nasty habit of saying grace before a meal. At the time, I remember thinking that's so true for myself in that my very thinking is influenced by Jesus, not because I want to be but just because it is. Maybe because of the age I was when I learned about Christianity (I was very young). Or maybe my personality is wired in some ways to adhere to Christian values. But there are certain things I won't/will do because of that strong Christian influence, no matter how much I doubt. Which is a little unfair because why do you automatically live by values that your heart doubts anyway?
       Now, I must give Jesus credit, because he is worthy and his ways are just. I fully believe there is no way you can be saved if your heart is not fully believing and converted to Christ. I do not care how much your actions/words profess Christ. If the heart is not converted, there are actions/words that must be against Christ. Simply said, it would be unfair for God to save you based on your actions and the heart is not converted. There is no one perfect who does not have a converted heart and even then they're only perfect because Christ declares it so. So, Andi and I have a problem because our hearts and feelings do not correlate with our actions and words.

I'm going to continue reading with the intention of finding out how she deals with this problem. I have a feeling I already know the answer. Whatever it is, I can't stand feeling phony.





  

Part 1

I bought the traks and I called Mr. Turner. The bed is made, the laundry is in the dryer and I'm listening to the seminar now. Something is missing. Nothing small like cooking something, or preparing the clothes for Sabbath. Nah! It was something big like CALLING DADDY. Yeah, let's do that tomorrow. Yeah I like that. Tomorrow. I prayed about my family but my father has a saying. You can't pray for anyone. Why? Cuz you are not perfect. Praying for others is a job for those who are really close to God. (Ex.: Jesus praying for His followers) Problem? Why should I pray for myself then? Cause I can control me. Your prayer can align with your actions, if you want your prayers to be answered then. Part 2 tomorrow. I'm tired.

Please lift your head from your hands

The title comes from a song by Mr. Hudson. The song has a mostly positive message about keeping it moving and not letting things get you so down that you stop moving. It has a creepy line in there about the midnight hour being his? But I'm ignoring it. So this how I'm keeping it moving.

1) This sabbath I'm going to sing two songs, so I'm going to the christian bookstore and I'm going to listen to their tracks and pick at least one to sing this Sabbath. (While I'm there, I'll pick up a book ;) Then, I'm putting the songs on my MP3 player and listening to them over and over again. And Friday night and Sabbath morning will be practice time. That's how I'm going to keep it moving vocally. When I was in high school, I didn't take the vocal studies seriously. So, I'll be working on perfecting that gift for ministering this week.

2) I'm going to call Mr. Turner about driving. Yes that is how I'm going to keep it moving with the driving education. Then I'm going to call my father who has refused to call for about a week because he feels we don't call him. That's how I'm going to keep it moving with the family. How are these connected? What else will I talk to my father about but driving lessons?

3)http://www.goallpower.com/  Powerful seminars. Yes that is how I'm going to keep it moving spiritually. I won't lie, my friend has been trying to get me to watch it for days and now that he has found this blog he'll know that I'm still not watching them. (grr!)And yes this morning I prayed for my soul salvation (you would have to if you were me; heck what am I talking about? shouldn't we all pray from that?) and for the family. And, I'm going to finish the seminars by next week. I can't wait! I'm listening to the preview right now and I'm mad excited. Just getting tingles down my spine thinking about it. Check it out!
http://vimeo.com/4743590

4)Sometime tomorrow, I'll be making this bed into something pretty, preparing my clothes for Sabbath and finishing the laundry. In fact, I'm starting that crap tonight. Whoever clothes is in the machine will just get washed with mine. Shoot! Then, I have to cook something. Problem? Yes, I have no clue what that meal will be. Either way, that is how I'm going to keep it moving home-economically .

I'm trying not to get stuck in mediocrity. Quick question: Do the mediocre get saved? I'm trying to not settle.

So please lift your head from your hands, tomorrow is another day...

My brother's girlfriend

I know he don't want to tell me nothing about her and their situation. To him, it's on a need to know basis. I just don't need to know. I guess since he won't tell me, I can assume. I assume that sexual relations are occurring between them. 5 years they've known each other and if they are not having sexual relations, kudos to them. They do better than me and I'm a freak, Trust. Saved by grace but a freak none the less and I cannot be with a guy I'm going out with alone in any place at any time. I remember one time, when I was downstairs in my house with my ex (one of the lower times in my life) my brother came downstairs as he was speaking on the phone and said, "Now they're all quiet. At least, I know they're not all perfect." Now I know what I was doing before he came down them stairs (heavy petting, making out, etc) and I know he made that comment in reference to me. Hey, I won't lie but he never spoke to me about it. He spoke to his friend about it on the phone and I do believe it was his girlfriend. At the time, I was embarrassed as hell but he did not care. Not even the ex cared and my brother's girlfriend probably looks at me and thinks, "She ain't ish." You know?
I would say he would be my favorite brother, but I cannot stand the fact that he has this separate life. And in a way, I cannot stand the fact that I do not want to be involved. Partly, he does not want to involve or does not go out of his way to involve me. On the other hand, my personality would not let me be involved in his situation. I feel so out of the circle. Biko brings chick over here and I'm dressed in house clothes (poom poom shorts and a t-shirt and I'm also swinging). No one could probably get why I was angry, but I know I will most likely never see her in the same state she has seen me. Another time I was sleeping on the couch, and I wake up to them laughing at me. Chick, I don't know you! But she has seen me in very vulnerable states physically and I have only seen her dressed to the nines and looking fly. To top it off, everyone else in my house is more used to her being here than I am because I have been away for a year. My mother thinks it's because she's taking my brother away. Wrong! My brother has already been gone from me. He only chooses to visit my far off home world to show pity to the little people. Which brings me to my next thought. I mentioned before that my brother is part of a different group than me. Socially, he doesn't have to try to be in the in crowd and I would never try just because the in crowd is against who I am. Don't ask me who I am, I just know the in crowd is not it. Do you think there's a little pity on his end for the less popular people such as myself? Is that why he chooses to grace me with his presence?
Things in my household will never be the same but do I ever want to go back to same?  I see it through different eyes now. My family was always dysfunctional, even on the sibling level and it's only getting worse as I grow older. Why in the world would I pass that joint down to the next generation? So they could point back to their parents and say that's where they get it from? Hell No.  In my house,we are all our own islands and we each live to better our own selves in different spheres of course. We're very American but not very familial. Where is the love? Not here. Run my future children. Run very far away and pray that I change for you. Don't come until I have changed. God help me.
Which brings me to my next thought. If I prayed, in Korea for my family situation everyday with consistency and persistence, would God have changed my family set up? I think it would be selfish of me to think that my prayers would have that kind of affect but the bible does say that the prayers of a righteous man avail much. But what about the raining on the just and the unjust part? Can we get some rain? So here it is. I'm praying for my family everyday for the next month. As you already can tell, I'm undisciplined and inconsistent and probably too jaded to think it will work. But I'm trying. Lord I believe help my unbelief. And please help me to tolerate my brother's girlfriend. In Jesus' name, I pray. AMEN.

So...

I've been slacking. I was sick with a fever and sinus problems. But my fingers were fine.
I really wanted to write something earlier this week. But today I took the chance. While I was playing SIMS, I heard this crazy scary sound, but there was nothing special happening at the time. Then I thought, what if that sound was the rapture? Now hear me out, I do not believe it was the rapture but if it were the rapture, and I was still here, then I think I would be a little happy because then I would still have a chance. I know I'm not ready for Jesus to come. Yesterday I was listening to Harold Camping (I do not really know if that is how you spell his name) and a caller was talking about how Christians would be raptured up before May 21, I think. Now May 21st is not a set time, but what if Jesus were to come on that date ? I mean it is exactly a month away. Would I be prepared in a month's time? I remember in the past, if I had fallen off track with God, all it would take is one sincere prayer to get back on. Now this prayer usually took an hour or more. I remember, in Korea, praying a prayer like this in the staff rest room. It was an hour. I remember a time before that. It was a Saturday morning. It took a while. I do not remember how long but it took a long time. Usually for that sincerity to come out of me, I have to wake up early or stay up late and/or feel a strong sense of sinfulness or mortality or probation closing. I usually have to get into the right frame of mind, or nothing comes of the prayer. 1 minute/second just won't cut it no matter how sincere I am. It's usually something that I cannot facilitate on my own because just today I felt a strong sense of probation closing and I did nothing. I just continued playing SIMS. Maybe that is the Holy Spirit speaking. If I ignore, is that my unwillingness or me just not being ready? Both perhaps. They say the more you keep ignoring, the stronger the Holy Spirit has to speak next time. Maybe.
Lord, you must forgive me, for I have sinned and I cannot make myself clean. Only you can. Help me.

the way you look at me

How could I forget the way you looked at me

I can't forget so condescending confident and self-assured you could do anything

Now when I look back at how I tried to please you

All that work didn't even impress you

How bout we change up our situation

How bout we evaluate our circumstance

How bout you walk away leave me alone

How bout you don't look at me no more

How could I forget the way you look at me

You look at me the same way now. And yet we changed your standards are higher and I can't reach

But I know better and your eyes they can't bewitch me

You ain't the ish so please don't ish me

You pulling me on your string for far too long

I did what you said but it was all wrong

I finally decided to value me

So please don't look at me no more

CNM  April 14th 2011

I wrote this song in response to a dude. If you know me well enough you may know who this dude is. I think he knew that I liked him, so he used that to get me to do things for him. Whether he knew or not, it was quite disturbing. Now, that I look back, I was quite the little puppy. Wanna biscuit? Even when I was with a dude, I was so sprung that I still did stuff for the same person. Last year, the same dude asked me to do something while I was in a foreign country. I honestly couldn't do it so I didn't do it. In the past, I would have beat myself up for not being able to do it but I know better now, and the guilt does not oppress me anymore. I'm different from what I was before.

"That's all I have to say about that." - Forest Gump