Changing your Mind

Changing one's mind is so easy sometimes, especially if you're a woman and you're told over and over again that it's your prerogative. Too change the way you think, however seems to be harder. To associate pleasure with good habits that will build you up is not so hard. But to associate pain with bad habits that take up all the time you can use for those good habits, is another thing. How much easier it is to see the more evident pleasure of eating that junk than it is to see the far reaching consequences of obesity and sickness? So much easier! I mean especially if it is forbidden, so much easier.  I asked someone if he read the assigned 3 chapters of The Great Controversy. He admitted to only reading chapter 1, but intended to change that in the future. I said to him, " How will you change that?"  He of course said " Pray... and I need to get up earlier/ " Sounds like determination and discipline to me. But what if he attached good pleasurable feelings to getting up early? What if getting up late became so painful for him? God wants us to enjoy Him. But we're so conditioned to attached discomfort to the things of God and pleasure to other more ungodly things. Change your mind, the way you think, change your life. Easy? No. But you must want it. Pray until you see your need of a Savior honestly in your deepest thoughts, and then pray some more. /is there a conflict? A dependence on God after a declaration of work? I can't change my mind without Him.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

If you have never seen the film, hearing Morgan Freeman recite these words depicting Nelson Mandela is moving to say the least. And when I heard that last line for the first time, it was almost as if I had read it before on the bathroom stall door as I relieved my  bladder. I can almost see the scraggly writing now, against the peeling paint. I can remember feeling offended at the blasphemy in that last line, As if a mere human could captain their own soul. Kind of like taking God's place in your life. But in truth, we control where we end up, heaven or hell, success or failure. It is our responsibility.  Which is basically what I learned today from my GAP lessons.

1) Put the past behind and commit to go forward with this program

2) If it's to be, It's up to me. I AM responsible.

2) Commit to master every area of my life and take actions towards that mastery.

As you can see, I'm up very late, meaning I'm slacking and not doing well in mastering my sleeping habits. But I baked some bread. I need to wake up early. Tomorrow, I got to get car for road test, buy computer paper, cook food for mommy, go to church later that night,prepare clothes to wear for church, plus all the other actions I am supposed to take toward mastery. 

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Tomorrow

LOL
Sad Story: I decided ( using my will power against myself) to start tomorrow. Remember how I was all determined to do something powerful today? LOL. Not today, tomorrow. Yeah, Kind of makes me want to cry but then I shake it off with my indifferent personality. LOL. I realized something about my personality. It MUST change. Imperfection in character = Sin. The things in my personality that I am willing to accept and even cater to ( for example: pushover, laziness, undisciplined, inconsistent, procrastination), produce actions in my life that are sinful. I can't break it all down right now but let's just say my character/ personality does not reflect Jesus. Shocking? Not so much. So yeah, I'm waking up type early tomorrow, to get some stuff done even though I don't want to. I have decided. I will. I must or I will be lost.

Funny Story: We were driving home from prayer meeting. My brother was listening to the radio (secular). I was listening to my MP3 player and I was singing Chaka Khan's "Through the fire".  My mother says she's going to buy a new car and bless it and play only godly music in it. My brother says, " Why don't you do that with this car? ". LOL. He speaks truth. And I was going to burst out and say something really rude. But then I corrected myself and said it would be better if I kept that statement for my blog.
Statement being: Why did you choose a father for us who is tolerant and enjoys listening to music that you find ungodly?
Where am I placing the responsibility? On my parents. But my music choice is my own responsibility. Advice for future parents: When choosing a spouse/baby daddy/baby mama, make sure that you decide in advance what your children should and shouldn't value and then exemplify those choices in your own lifestyle.  Advice to future children: Your parents will at some point suck. Forgive them, move on and take responsibility for your own life. If you don't, you'll be playing the blame game forever.

Where was I? So tomorrow
The Winans ~ Tomorrow

Exercise My Will Power

So I've decided that I'll leave my heart to God. I'm going to master my life now by exercising my ability to choose to do the right thing whether my heart wants it or not. To decide to do things, whether I want to do it or not. Time is not my limit, it is my means by which I will succeed.  So as usually I'm starting with a list, of course.A priorities list to be exact. Can't wait to start

1) PBS/GAP
2) Exercise
3) Hygiene/ Look good (hair, body, clothes, etc)
4) Food
5) Family
6) Clean up
7) Lesson Plan
8) Promo
9) Blog

I will document daily schedules on my blog and GAP progress. So I look forward to letting you know about my success.  hope you enjoy my recovery.

Ideas I've had recently:
sinners anonymous ( don't know how to implement it )
Pray for adrian/ all nicole's man problems
Take more time dealing with my appearance


That's all folks

Getting my ...stuff together

 I'm one step away from losing all appearances. It's not pretense, nor is it intentional hypocrisy. I keep it up so that they that adore, admire and criticize can grasp on to that saving grace and find favor in the eyes of God. But if given the opportunity, I am hopeless. I spent 25 years of my life hoping that at some point God will snap his fingers, like magic and I'll be changed. Just to realize that it is my own discipline that will change me. What happened to the moving of the Holy Spirit? What happened to the transforming power of God? Through out my life, the responsibility for my perfection has swung like a pendulum, between me and God. I know that I have to put effort in. I know only He has the power to change me.  But I'm so inclined at this point in time to believe that my discipline is completely necessary. The pendulum's in my court and I've found myself wanting. I'm so settled in my ways :( and so many psychology classes have taught me that my personality by this age is set. And I am so undisciplined. Or inconsistent.  I will go through short bursts of discipline and then longer bursts of foolishness, and like the demons of Matthew 12, they seem to come back stronger than before. God save me. My resolutions, promises and  blogs are like ropes of sand. Pursue God until he answers. Scream and cry until he cares. But just as much as my promises mean diddlee, my intentions and decisions are squat. Romans 7, the schizo part, is my cry.  I don't won't to cry to the heavens, and yet I want to. I want to keep my promises, yet I break them. I suck thoroughly and I need Him to initiate. This whole week, He reminded me through random conversations with people to pray, ask and beg, to interact with my spirituality, to aggravate God until He answers. Trust me! I want to and yet I don't. God save me!

Glorfication of the hateration

So yeah. Will write  a ton tomorrow. But quick story!!! I call my sister and she does not answer. So as her voice mail picks up, I scream, "Yo! What it do?!!"  When she finally calls back, she's cracking up. She's asking me why did I curse on her voice mail. She heard, " Yo! What the f***!"  Sad story? I felt uber guilty for even sounding like I said it because there's some moments when I do not remember if I cursed or not because I curse in my head... all the time.  Notes to self: Stop trying to be hood! Stop cursing in my head! Stop watching movies with curses! Stop the all around glorification of the hateration! Props if you understand.

P.S. : Resolutions? What resolutions? SMH!

New Years Resolution

Now, I know what you gonna say, " with your lack of discipline, this will last all of a week."  You ain't the only one. But I'm praying to pull through .  I believe this is possible. I hate that my list of resolutions are longer than I can think of without looking.
1) Better Natural Hair Care

    Natural products, regimen, more protective hairstyles, softer detangling

2) Better Body Care

    H2O, Exercise, 2 Square meals, Sleep on time, No Sugar/salt/vinegar/soda, Walks in the middle of the day
3) Better Mental Care
    Read the Bible and COAS Daily, Study something in Some School, Plan Bible Studies, Blog more
4) Better Spiritual Care
    Pray More, Witness to at least one person this year, Medical Missionary course, Clean my house
5) Better Physical activities
     A Job, Clean my house, Get a plant.

Pray for me. I need the prayers of those I love.