If I got with you...

I would disappoint you and myself.
I would wonder if I'm enough.
I would wonder what is wrong with my mind for choosing you.
I would try to be something I'm not to please you.
I would wonder if God would be pleased with me for being with you.
I would neglect God to be with you.
I would be so emotional.
I would hate you for making me that way.
I would wonder if you were settling for me or if I were settling for you.
I would never be enough for myself because I know what you want and it ain't me.
Please tell my heart and make it believe that it would be wrong if I got with you because I do not know how to act or what to say around you and I'm afraid to be me around you and the fact is that even though I shouldn't be with you, my heart doesn't know what shouldn't means and my heart hates you for it.
I would be a utter mess
I would fail you miserably
I would fall hopelessly
if I got with you.

CNM May 31, 2011

Chasing After You

Actively pursuing God is not something you do alone. Sometimes we picture God as the Father of the prodigal son, waiting patiently for His child. Don't get me wrong. It is a good parable and Jesus is very smart. But think about it another way. If the great omni-present God were to wait for you, where would He wait? Is He able to stand at your doorstep and wait for you to come back to Him? Yes, but what if your homecoming doesn't happen at your doorstep? What if it happens at your church or school or on the subway? Wherever and Whenever it happens, God is there to welcome you with open arms.  God loves you with an everlasting love and with loving kindness He draws us to Himself. But it's deeper than that. What about when you don't feel like being with God, when you feel like doing your own thing? Is God's hand to short to reach you? Have you been completely shut off from grace? No! God still provides grace and instances seen and unseen of loving kindness in which He draws us to Himself. It was made clear to me this evening at a prayer meeting @ CCC. I was brought to the startling realization that the sermon was for me, for the strengthening of my prayer life and no one could have benefited from that service tonight like I did. He is drawing me in only a way that I could recognize, that is sufficient for me. No, I cannot give up because while I sinned Christ died for and insists on chasing after ungodly me.

Slack concerning His promises as we are...

you would know the right person to spend your life with when you are a better you when they're with you


When you can't live without them

I never finish what I start

When I was a baby, I've been told that I started talking and walking early. But I stopped. No one knows why. I may assume to know why. I may mention occurrences that were told to me because I was too young to remember that may explain why I did stop . But to be quite honest, I do not know why I stopped. And if I do not know how can anyone else know? It took me forever to start doing it again. Many other things in my life run in the same course. I start piano lessons; I stop piano lessons. I stop driving. I start driving. I start exercising. I stop exercising. I start praying and reading my Bible. I stop reading praying my Bible. I start eating healthy. I stop eating healthy. I start writing my book. I stop writing my book. Start. Stop. Stop. Start. As you can probably tell, building a good habit usually takes a very long time for me. But as I've been driving, I've noticing that I have a large fear of failure. I just don't want to be wrong. Heck, I don't want to be seen as if I may be doing something wrong. The problem with that fear is that it is self-fulfilling. How do I know? My whole life I have taken notice of the many times I have been wrong. And because I see it happening I notice it more when it does happen. In fact, it overshadows all the right. I hate being wrong. I hate being corrected because the person correcting me sees what I am doing as wrong. I am very passionate about being selected as being wrong. I can remember arguments with my ex that mainly had to do with why I was wrong all the time. How I was unkind or inconsiderate or selfish. But I would never call out anyone else who was wrong. I am very lenient towards others. Do unto others as you would have them do on to you. The problem with that is everyone is not me. Nor do they feel the same way I feel about being wrong.
I can imagine myself as a child, taking my first steps at such a young age, tentatively towards my mother or father raising their hopes for me. And then lowering them to average with my untimely stumble. This probably led to some crying (I was a big crier). Then some coddling from my mother. Which just told me average is ok. You don't suck. Average is ok. But baby me did not want to be average. So I dropped out of the walking game completely. Same for the dating game. Same for the life game. I sit out after a big disappointment. But at some point, you have to get up and walk. Just like life. You have to get in it. So that being said these are some things I'm committed to getting done by next year.

1) driver's license
2) book (yes I'm writing one) money
3) music thing (I actually do not know what to do with that yet but something has to be done)
4) missionary trip thing (YAY! I want to travel abroad again)
5) get my own car (I have to be driving my own car while I am 25)

I have to become a credible resource however. In many ways, but specifically in following through what I say I will do. I hate that people can read this. I don't want to slack off  but there is a big part me that knows I may want some room in the future to slack off.
In better news, I talked to my father today (Yay?) and I had my second driving lesson (my own money) and I am bored with SIMS. Can you believe it? I'm bored! I did not think it could happen. I even played in the other neighborhoods and I was bored to death. I'm going to lay off the SIMS for a while.

They don't care

I was talking to my friends and I realized I suck at listening. Like they be talking and I just be planning what I want to say next. I be cutting people off. I'm so not even into it anymore. I really just want to stop being selfish and just feel for the other person. I just care about myself. Half the time, I be thinking, they don't care, they just want to talk about whatever they want to talk. What about I don't care? What about I'm so screwed up that I'm only 25 and I think everyone's life is easier than mine? What about I think that my problems are the biggest in the world? I'm not even 25 yet. I'm practically a child for all intents and purposes. I live at home with my Momma. I got no bills to pay. I got money in savings just sitting there. I complain about not getting my point across when I actually would take no action for the points I try to get across. I'm all talk and no bite. Well, I'm going to save the talking and plans for my blog and when I talk to people, I'll just hear them out for a change. Shoot.

Plans for tomorrow.

1. Go to work

2. Practice driving. (Yeah with my momma)

3.Come home and work on making my feet look pretty. 

4. Call my Daddy (Yeah you heard right. I still ain't did it.)

5. Cook something

6.Go all power http://www.goallpower.com/#vc-player

QUIT COMPLAINING and work it out. Somehow I got to work on my relationships. Shoot. I suck.

Part 2

Bigger problem. When do I get close enough to God so that I can start praying for other people?
 When we receive Christ, we are justified: just as if I had never sinned. Whose righteousness can we claim? Only the righteousness of Jesus. Now, when we receive Christ do we have a strong relationship with God? Interestingly enough, I must say...YES. Finitely in our own minds, as babes is Christ the relationship with Christ is weak, and quite honestly, we probably do not know enough about God . But a babe in Christ is far wiser than many people. Just receiving Christ puts us on a different playing field than everyone else because we now have access to the Father (GOD).  Not trying to explain the trinity here but receiving Christ is receiving not just any relationship with God but Jesus' relationship with His Father. In case you do not know, Jesus and His Father are one, and there is no closer relationship than that. Based on that, I must declare that my earthly Father's way of describing what state we must be in to intercede on behalf of someone else before God is  flawed. Quite honestly, I feel he makes statements up like this to trip people up. Because the statement is right. Only people with a close relationship with God can pray for other people. What he's trying to say is that only people with a relationship with God can pray for other people and get answers. Further elaborations, if you go against God's will, you're not in a relationship with Him. But, where sin abounds, grace abounds more. And I know for a fact God rains good and bad on both the good and bad. Either way, I must say, there can be nothing wrong with any random person praying for any other random person. Why? God likes when we pray. If you're sincere God will lead you into all truth. Just pray.

Karen Kingsbury has a way with words

     " She hated when her thoughts went this way. Her stomach hurt and her heart beat faster than usual. Every breath felt tighter than the one before it. Because this was her very deep, dark secret - the thing no one knew about her. 
     Andi Ellison had doubts now. Her perfect faith in God was riddled with subtle cracks and shifts."  
-Karen Kingsbury, Take One, p.54


I'm reading this Christian fiction book and the spiritual life of one of the characters is being described. Andi Ellison grew up on the mission fields of Indonesia and has always been known as a stalwart Christian. But her closest friend which she made since coming back to the States died and now she has doubts in God. The reason why I am mentioning this is because I find myself in this situation. I can relate to this character in so many ways it's not even funny. Now, I can't pinpoint one major event that has led me to these doubts. In fact, if I must be frank, these doubts have always been with me. But never have they been as strong as they are now.
Kingsbury uses the imagery of a snake shedding it's skin to describe Andi Ellison spiritual struggle.

     "...like the faith that had clothed her all these years was dried up and old. Like it didn't fit anymore.  She could almost feel herself making her way free of it, ready to move on with a sleek new exterior of her own design."
    
     In Korea, I could imagine myself living a more glamorous life when I came back to the states. Yeah, I looked very Vogue. I pictured myself not attending church anymore for the romantic reason of getting closer to the Jesus and making sure I was saved on a personal level. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe there is anything wrong with that, but I know that if I stop attending church, it would not be to get closer to God. Of course, there is a part of me that really just wants to get closer to God. But there is another part of me that cannot stand setting up that false pretense of being right, and would rather just be real. Speaking of being real, this is how Kingsbury describes the struggle between the perceived image of the character and the character's true feelings:

     " The feeling was one more thing she couldn't tell anyone. She was Andi Ellison, missionary kid, after all. Everyone expected her to be the perfect Christian, the girl with the unwavering faith. No one could have guessed how she was really feeling." p. 55


     When, I read this, I thought about how I felt when I was telling my mother about my struggle. Not only did  not understand my struggle but she saw me differently. Most importantly, I did not want my struggle to affect someone else's spiritual walk. I know Jesus is the right way. Just because I'm struggling does not mean  you should be influenced to question. What you do to please God, I do not want to interfere with. But when you have influence, you have the capability to sway what others may perceive God to be. And I do not want to sway anyone else with my doubts. But what a hypocrite I am if I can't be real. It's so strange, this position I find myself in.

     "When it came to matters of faith, the dialogue came so easily she might as well have been reading a script. No matter how she was feeling inside."p.60


I remember one time listening to a sermon by a friend. He mentioned that a lot of us try not to be Christians but we can't front because of little things that have a presence in our lives that give us away. Like the devotional on our bedside table or the nasty habit of saying grace before a meal. At the time, I remember thinking that's so true for myself in that my very thinking is influenced by Jesus, not because I want to be but just because it is. Maybe because of the age I was when I learned about Christianity (I was very young). Or maybe my personality is wired in some ways to adhere to Christian values. But there are certain things I won't/will do because of that strong Christian influence, no matter how much I doubt. Which is a little unfair because why do you automatically live by values that your heart doubts anyway?
       Now, I must give Jesus credit, because he is worthy and his ways are just. I fully believe there is no way you can be saved if your heart is not fully believing and converted to Christ. I do not care how much your actions/words profess Christ. If the heart is not converted, there are actions/words that must be against Christ. Simply said, it would be unfair for God to save you based on your actions and the heart is not converted. There is no one perfect who does not have a converted heart and even then they're only perfect because Christ declares it so. So, Andi and I have a problem because our hearts and feelings do not correlate with our actions and words.

I'm going to continue reading with the intention of finding out how she deals with this problem. I have a feeling I already know the answer. Whatever it is, I can't stand feeling phony.