Overwhelmed

No safety, no shore in sight,
I'm a far way from where I first saw the light.
Far pass the buoys reminding me of safe retreat.
In no man  waters and I'm in way too deep
Nowhere to run to baby and I can't swim
Nowhere to hide in this misery I'm sinking
The air is so heavy, so thick with burden
So deep inside in my my heart where it's hurting
I wanna be free, deep air breathing
and yet I'm scared to think that ultimate freedom comes when I stop breathing
In Strength
Out Relief
Inhale Saving Grace
Exhale Peace
Toes, Knees, Shoulders, Head
Inhale deep.Underwater No way out or Up ahead
The misery is when you can't see any end in sight
Through the surface you can only see a dim light

Are you serious?

Please be honest with yourselves and really evaluate the situation. Don't use me and pretend it's because I'm special. I hate working in ministry. I really do. I always feel manipulated and lied to. I never say no. I'm a people pleaser so I never say no. I always end up feeling as if there would be something better that I can do. I always have to be trained and at this point in my life, I don't want to be trained. I want to know what I'm doing already. I don't want to have a head position where someone will have to tell me what to do. What kind of head position is that? You might as well give me one of those support positions instead, where you must tell me what to do. Why can't people really see this is not it for me? I always feel used. And then I feel bad when I let people down. Get it through your heads! I'm good at what I volunteer to do. Like most people, I want to like what I do. I have a feeling that at the end of the year I'm going to really hate a certain group of people. You must pray for me.

In other news...

I haven't had an internet (God?) connection in days and I am fairly devoted to things that are too ridiculous and pathetic too mention. Said I would blog daily and Go all power daily. but I slipped up last week Sunday and I haven't ever since. Promises and resolutions like ropes of sand. When this cycle ends, I'll let you how desperate I am. You know what cycle. The cycle of seeking after God and then just...not.  When I broke up with my ex, I was in the "not" phase of the cycle and I did not care any more. My feelings were gone. I was moving on reflex. I knew it was a good thing to break up with him. But I was not in a good place. I wasn't saved/communicating with God sincerely. Let's see what I do now. I make good decisions when I stop caring completely. Not an absolute statement but that was my best decisions yet. I hope you understand. I really tried to clarify without completely outing myself.

Woe is me

My mother used to look at me and say I always had this "poor me one" look on my face. You know what that means, the "life is not fair""why is this happening to me""nobody knows the troubles I've seen" LOL. Just plain old self pitying. And while I must say that it's not exciting having this outlook on life, it is very interesting to me. The person who is completely introspective appears to be selfish, and truthfully they are but they truly realized how sucky they are and how true it is to have feelings of pity for one's self. They are also very close to mental illness.I always like those movies and artistic works that deal with the inner striving against oneself to actualize the truth of one's self to the world around . So I right that way. I try to get all my thinking on the paper so that everyone can at least grab on to one part of what is me and relate to it. And in conjunction with all the other parts, they can get some idea of what I truly know myself to be. Problem? yes. I wish I was that selfish person that I am, way down to my soul so that it would not hurt so much when I acted like one. So I would not try not to offend. I wish I pushed more for stuff I wanted instead of pushing more for what other people want because in the end it hurts when my dreams are not realized. Why can't everyone just read my blog? I know that I am the chick you whisper about, I am the lazy chick who lies and manipulates and wants everyone to believe that it's true. It is true. He is true. I am the lie. I wish I could move away and start life all over again. I wish I could live it all over again. I wish that I am not what I am. But I can not be what I am not. therefore I am. Woe is me! I can sense that the world knows the lie and the world feeds into it by pretending not to see it or passing it by. Just tell me about the booger hanging from my nose. Tell me I smell like BO. Tell me my breath stinks. Tell me. I'll never know if you don't tell me. Tell what you think of me. Am I flaky, lazy, ditzy? Tell me. Why can't you tell me what you see. so I can change or hide it? Slightly paranoid. I wish I wasn't going crazy. I wish I had my stuff together. I wish I had my head on straight. Woe is me!

road test

so yeah not going to write inthis thingg until wed. not being blaze just being truthful. I haven't done gap since sunday cry tears wipe off dust off push forward. I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul.  I will change my focus and my brain pathways. I AM. I comit to change my life

I am persuaded...

nothing can separate me from the love God. If he seeks for me to change, then I will change, if I allow him. I will encourage myself in the Lord, believing that I myself am changed now, claiming by faith that with my eyes I will see God.

I am persuaded...
that He just can't get enough of me. He longs for me just as much as I need Him. I got to talk to Him to let Him know what's on my mind. To let Him know what I think about Him. To let Him know...everything

I am persuaded...
that He want to reveal His will to me. That He wants me to know more about Him. That He has done everything in his power to save me. I got to read more about His love for me.

I am persuaded...
that He loves everyone else just as much as He loves me. He doesn't want anyone to suffer no matter what sins have been committed. He wants us all to experience His grace fully. I got to tell people.

I am persuaded...
That sin is my choice to commit or not to. That it does not please Him when I sin. That all of the negatives in life will be attracted to me because of my sin. I can stop it, because He has willed it.

Today was about learning how to stop negative habits and install better habits. As you can see, my focus here is spiritual. The first activity said, "Get Persuaded" So I just persuaded myself. see you tomorrow or later today apparently.

P.S. That sleeping habit needs to be fixed right now, Can't even LOL because it is not funny

we'll have a good time then...

He just came in. No good morning, no response to my mother's question. He just turned to the thermostat, because he's cold in his room and he needs heat. At some point I remember telling him that relationships need work. You need to spend time building them. He then asked me to give him time to get his stuff together. I agreed. But I know the truth. Once he gets all his stuff together, he would have already learned to neglect our relationship. It will become habitual to neglect spending time building a relationship with me. He said he would not marry a seventh day Adventist woman. How am I suppose to feel about this? Happy? In a way, he has rejected me, his mother and his heritage. Apparently, there is something flawed with the way we believe. LOL in that ironic sorta sad way. You can't pretend that kind of rejection away. And it shows in the way he treats my mother. It shows in the way he doesn't value time spent with me. It shows in all his actions. And yet he asks me to wait until he is available.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
You know we'll have a good time then."

I hope he's not doing the same crap to Jesus.