Uncle Clive SMH

When I told Uncle Clive that I was pondering being a missionary, he told me that it was something that I had to really want. When he said that, I laughed to myself because it was pure garbage to me. If we were to apply that principle to life, then the idea is that we have to do stuff that we really want to do. I don't even want to go to graduate school, even though I know that would further my career and increase my skills. I don't even want to work even though I know that the Bible says a man that doesn't work doesn't eat. If we only did what we really wanted to do, to be quite honest, I don't think much of the essential things would get done. In fact, I know that if I lived according to this principle, I wouldn't do jack. Yes, I would read fanfics and eat junk food all day long. So I have to disagree with you dear uncle Clive because if I wanted to do Missionary work then I would not have the right intentions in mind. To all of us searching for the right feeling to accompany the right decision and left with nothing but the constant drive to work harder, I salute you. Because though the wrong seems oft so strong. God is the Ruler Yet. Amen!

the night of apologies

I took a medical missionary course. I felt that the night before it started I might as well clean house. Actually, I was feeling like being sinful so I texted this guy an apology for not contacting him. I sent this text at like 2 AM. Clearly my intentions were not godly. Smh. While waiting for dude's response, I decided to text my dad and apologize for not contacting him also. The plan was to save it. And I sent it, accidentally. Trust, the excitement I was feeling about receiving a response to the text that was ungodly in it's motivation, paled in comparison to the dread I felt as I realized I sent the text to my father. I checked my  sent and draft box over and over again, just to make sure that I did send it or that by some act of God, it got saved in my draft box. The ungodly text response didn't even occur. Poor dude did not even know how open I was. Serves me right trying to be ungodly. Mind you, the text I sent him was innocent at face value. Anyway, now I got to text my pops every now and then. It's a good thing I shocked my self into texting my pops. Either way, since I was in the mood of apologizing, I deciding to text people who I had wronged or had not seen in a while. One of those people were Xavia. You don't know her but let me tell you I honestly appreciate her presence in my life, and as weird as she seems sometimes to me, it makes me feel welcome because I see myself as being just as weird. And sometimes I compare myself to her, which is not so good and I need to stop. So I apologized for hurting her and not contacting her. Not knowing that I would see her the next day. smh. If I had known she would have signed up for the same medical missionary course, I would not have sent that text but the next day we spoke and I was glad. Things were clarified and although I am a little sad to know that she won't be around much, I'm glad we talked. God blocked my lustful thoughts with a text to my pops and He prepared me to meet someone who I hadn't spoken to in a while with a text. God is good. I find myself apologizing but there is someone I must forgive. I was talking to my friend tonight about my ex and I thought I forgave him, but I was still angry. I don't know how but God is still good and He will help me. Even if it means to give up my dislike of the idea of us getting back together. so hard but I must.

I've been blogging

On the memo app of my phone. I know that is not necessarily true to the art form of blogging but I've been to busy to sign in and do it so I'm making up for lost time and looking through my memos to sees what I can write about. next blog coming in less than an hour...

inspiration to write

So I haven't been writing for a while and I am not really moved to write forever. There are no ideas or wellspring from which I can draw the dynamic lines that would make up a best seller, but I do know that there is enough screwed up things in my life to motivate me to write. I have not spoken to my father in months and I am indifferent to an extent. My mother is not pleased with how I live my life and I am indifferent to an extent. My job opportunity that I have pursued for some time has rejected me and ( can you guess?) I am indifferent to an extent. With enough of those things, you think that the emotional pull to write would have come knocking by now. But my need to write comes from the day I spent face all of those things. I just told my aunt, the retired teacher, that the teaching program did not accept me, my mother is bugging me about speaking to my father and my father just called to speak to my brother. LOL. I felt this strong need to succeed in a more artistic field, gain notoriety and tell my father off. LOL. It was brilliant. But I truly wish I was at peace. Not now though because life is to busy and exciting ad you keep busy so you don't think about things like this. In a week I will confront all these things. ok a week and a half.

Overwhelmed

No safety, no shore in sight,
I'm a far way from where I first saw the light.
Far pass the buoys reminding me of safe retreat.
In no man  waters and I'm in way too deep
Nowhere to run to baby and I can't swim
Nowhere to hide in this misery I'm sinking
The air is so heavy, so thick with burden
So deep inside in my my heart where it's hurting
I wanna be free, deep air breathing
and yet I'm scared to think that ultimate freedom comes when I stop breathing
In Strength
Out Relief
Inhale Saving Grace
Exhale Peace
Toes, Knees, Shoulders, Head
Inhale deep.Underwater No way out or Up ahead
The misery is when you can't see any end in sight
Through the surface you can only see a dim light

Are you serious?

Please be honest with yourselves and really evaluate the situation. Don't use me and pretend it's because I'm special. I hate working in ministry. I really do. I always feel manipulated and lied to. I never say no. I'm a people pleaser so I never say no. I always end up feeling as if there would be something better that I can do. I always have to be trained and at this point in my life, I don't want to be trained. I want to know what I'm doing already. I don't want to have a head position where someone will have to tell me what to do. What kind of head position is that? You might as well give me one of those support positions instead, where you must tell me what to do. Why can't people really see this is not it for me? I always feel used. And then I feel bad when I let people down. Get it through your heads! I'm good at what I volunteer to do. Like most people, I want to like what I do. I have a feeling that at the end of the year I'm going to really hate a certain group of people. You must pray for me.

In other news...

I haven't had an internet (God?) connection in days and I am fairly devoted to things that are too ridiculous and pathetic too mention. Said I would blog daily and Go all power daily. but I slipped up last week Sunday and I haven't ever since. Promises and resolutions like ropes of sand. When this cycle ends, I'll let you how desperate I am. You know what cycle. The cycle of seeking after God and then just...not.  When I broke up with my ex, I was in the "not" phase of the cycle and I did not care any more. My feelings were gone. I was moving on reflex. I knew it was a good thing to break up with him. But I was not in a good place. I wasn't saved/communicating with God sincerely. Let's see what I do now. I make good decisions when I stop caring completely. Not an absolute statement but that was my best decisions yet. I hope you understand. I really tried to clarify without completely outing myself.